Baby Has Social Emotional Development Milestones

By Dr. Jin Lee*

Social and emotional development is the progression of a child’s need to understand and connect with others. The child’s social- emotional ability will impact how much and how well she learns, builds, and maintains relationships throughout her lifetime. Unlike motor and sensory developments, social-emotional skills are harder to spot, yet they require more time to develope and more involvement from caregivers.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, here are a few important social-emotional milestones to look out for in the first 6 months:

• Month 1: primitive grins and grimaces
• Month 2: genuine smile to express what she likes and doesn't; he will also start looking at you for a longer period of time to absorb all your facial expressions
• Month 3: exhibiting “smile talk”: waiting for your cue to smile, or smiling on her own and mimicking your facial expressions
• Month 4: expressing interest in other people: She will turn her head to find the source of a voice when others are talking
• Month 5: recognizing her own name, laughing aloud
• Month 6: likes to play peek-a-boo; expresses more emotions

Studies have shown that the more you practice “responsive care”- promptly and consistently comforting your baby’s needs, the less demanding and more emotionally secure she will be at a later age. The first six months are especially critical for you to attend to your child’s need so that she can develop a sense of security, trust, and confidence.

The American Academy of Pediatrics and developmental psychologists recommend that parents recognize and accommodate to their child’s unique behavioral style rather than resisting it. In addition to POVI that focuses on creating better family conversations with kids in pre-school to teenage ages, another good tool to help track your child’s unique social-emotional development is my company, Qidza Inc.

Our first free app, babynoggin, translated critical milestones (such as those listed above) from peer reviewed clinical and scientific research into step-by-step video and written instructions so that you can play and measure your baby’s progress anywhere, anytime. As your child’s temperament will affect how you parent and feel about yourself and her, our goal is to provide an easy tracking tool so that you can understand more about your child and flag any potential issues along the way.

* Dr. Jin Lee is an Oxford- trained developmental psychologist and the Founder of Qidza. Follow her @drjinlee. Get exclusive access to babynoggin app by signing up today at Qidza.com.

Join us in Emotional Intelligence for Kids Facebook group for more social emotional development discussion around our kids.

We would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at help@povi.me to catch up anytime!

From Tiger Mom to Emotional Intelligence Advocate (III): A Date With My Teen Son

Art by Lim's son, when he was still a pre-teen

By Seow Lim*

I was a full time high tech corporate employee for over 15 years in the Silicon Valley. A very ambitious product strategy executive. I worked very hard. I was a classic tiger mom. In my world, there was no room for failure. I was very strict. No compromise. Everything, for me, had to be perfect. I was always busy running around - juggling work and kids. My kids were always busy driven around - to lessons, classes, mostly by the nanny. We were all so busy.

When we sat down for dinner or after dinner, the conversation mostly evolved around accomplishment of tasks. "Did you finish your homework for lesson A, B, C?",  "When is your next belt promotion test for your martial art lesson?",  "How did you do for your tests this week?", I would ask.

Then, something happened. It was November 2013, and it marked a significant turning point for me and my family, as you can read on my first post on this blog. That's no longer me today.

As a 'transformed' mom, I make time to have one-on-one time with my teen son, without the interruption from his chatty little brother who is always fighting for attention. That's our mother-and-son- dates. That's our time alone. No screens, no other family members present.

We usually go to his favorite snack bar, to have a snack and a cup of his favorite tea, and sit and chat. Sometimes we go walking. There's something about favorite food and drink, and music TV in the background that appeals to teenagers. The environment is conducive for him to want to talk. I like to choose Friday afternoons because that's when we are both more relaxed.

Just last Friday, I went to pick him up after school, brought him to the cafe, and started spending high quality time having conversations, discovering his thoughts and feelings.

We talked about many things. First, as soon as he got into the car, he was excited about how he did a Math proof that got him a special compliment from the Math substitute teacher.  I was listening carefully, looking into his eyes, showing lots of interest in my body language. But, frankly, I had returned a lot of my algebra back to my teacher from so many years ago. While he was talking, I wasn't really paying attention to what exactly he said about the Math facts. I was carefully thinking about how should I craft my response to this conversation? Do I praise him? Do I encourage him? Do I ask him to tell me more about the different Math topics that he knows?

I reminded myself that my husband kept telling me that "you can't compliment him too much for results, have to praise him for efforts and hard work; or better still challenge him to do better". I also went through my mind what I learnt from reading about Professor Carol Dweck, Stanford University, Mindset, and re-affirmed by Trish Shaffer's "Raising a Resilient Child".

After all that has gone on in my mind, I delivered a positive response, "That's great. That's because you always work hard and interested to learn more".

Before I picked him up, I was thinking about what topics I should be talking about. I had opened my Povi app, and picked one question. Well, my memory now can only memorize one thing at a time. The question I memorized was "How're you silly?"

He was nodding and thinking about my response, while I started on the next topic. "Do you have any teachers in school this year that act silly or funny in class? ". He then told me about his Language Art teacher who likes to joke a lot. He then started sharing with me that he had written an essay recently that he thought was awesome.

It was about "Sexism against boys". He felt that in today's world, boys and girls should be equal but girls are given too much advantage that's it is unfair to the boys. An example he gave was with physical fitness education grading scale in schools being different for boys and girls. The grades of girls on the scale, are one entire one above the grades of boys with the exact same performance, on the same scale.

The next example he told me was that it’s considered immoral for a man to evacuate a sinking ship before all the women and children are off. “If a man is ever out on the water on a large boat, there's a chance that boat might sink, and if that happens he might be encouraged to wait before he gets on a lifeboat.”

Another example he gave was that most war and work casualties applies to male soldiers. According to American government statistics: “Men accounted for more than 97 percent of the combat deaths and

a similarly high proportion of combat injuries.” Furthermore, “93 percent of workplace fatalities are males.”

I listened carefully to all his points, nodding my head. Once in a while, I added positive comments like you do seem to have done a lot of research on this topic, I believe in the facts you have provided, but I disagree with you. I think there are bigger problems that cause inequalities against women that you haven't seen from your viewpoint.

This subject is interesting to me. I am a 'feminist'.  I turned this conversation into an active debate. I gave him a lot of my own examples including women get paid less for doing the same job, women are expected to do more household chores even if they work etc.

It got pretty heated, but was a lot of fun. In the end, I have taken this opportunity to tell him that, "I respect your viewpoints. I also appreciate that you have listened to my views as well. Everyone has their own opinion. It is important that you respect other's opinions because you can always learn from them. Taking other's perspective is a critical skill you can learn."

It was time to go home. We went back to the car.

He said, "Mommy, you had really changed. Now I find that I can really talk to you without you getting mad, or surprised, or negative about what I tell you. You are calmer, positive and receiving about everything. Can you tell me what made you changed?"

I took this opportunity to tell him, "It is because of you. I had spent more time with you. I had read a lot of parenting books. I want to make sure that I am open enough to have conversation with you like this so that you would continue to share your thoughts and opinions with me. You have improved greatly. I prefer to let you fly".

He replied: "Mommy, I think your expectation of me has also changed. You used to just want me to follow a very strict schedule before. It was really stressful. Now I get a lot more time to do a lot of things that I really enjoy."

I took the opportunity to ask, "Are you happier now?"

"Yes, I think so."

That made my day.

* Lim is the CEO and founder of Povi.me.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

8 Ways to Succeed on Positive Conversations With Children

By Seow Lim*

Conversation is a personal connection. It is how we share ideas and learn from one another. It requires listening and talking in equal degree. We would benefit from having an open mind when we interact and talk to children, and also be prepared to show empathy. Kids want to be heard. To listen to them - really listen- and be able to understand their needs and concerns.

Here at POVI, we want to constantly encourage our kids in our daily conversation. That's how we help them to develop their self-esteem. Development of self-esteem needs to start very early in life. We also want to teach them that success comes from effort and persistence. We want to give our kids the opportunity to try, fail, try again, fail again, and then finally succeed. They can also develop ideas about their own capabilities. While they are learning fro trial and error, they're creating a self-concept based on interactions with other people, including us. Hence, making sure that we are giving our kids the opportunities to develop such self-perception regularly is also key to their development.

The way that I would like to approach this topic of how to use positive conversations to encourage our kids is through examples. All questions are elaborated by our Developmental Psychology PhD Daphna Ram, and are part of POVI Family Connect app.

The Orange Case (Scenario 1):

"What fruit do you think is really weird?" ( Question for Development skill: critical thinking. Age: <5 or 5-10)

"Oranges"

Parent Response A:

"What? Oranges are so common. They are not weird at all. Find something more special."

This answer discourages children from thinking critically. It also is likely to end the conversation rather than promote more conversation and exchange of ideas between parent and child.

Parents Response B:

"Your idea is interesting. Why do you think it is weird?"

Kid might say:

"Because the skin has tiny holes in it. Sometimes it is rough, and sometimes it is smooth."

The discussion can go on:  "I agree; why didn't I think of that? I thought 'durian' is really weird. Do you know what it is? Do you want to know?"

This example illustrates how one can use the questions as a springboard for further conversation and promoting curiosity. This encourages your child to constantly be seeking new knowledge and asking questions.

Flying to the Sun Case (Scenario #2)

"Where would you want to go if we go could go anywhere at all today?" (Development skill: Imagination/Creativity. Age: <5 or 5-10)

"I want to take a rocket and fly to the Sun", says child.

Parents Response A: 

"That's not possible. You are going to melt before you arrive to the Sun. Answer my question properly. Pick some place on earth", says parent.

Though the response is accurate, this answer discourages child’s creativity and may prevent him/her from sharing creative answers with you in the future.

Parents Response B:

"Wow! That's very far that you are planning to go. Further than I had imagined. Why do you want to fly to the Sun?" _ Parent replies to child's answer.

"Because I want to build a big solar panel in space close to the Sun so that we can generate all the electricity we need on earth with it."

Perhaps parents might say something like:

"That's really creative. You have made me think of things in a completely new way. But isn't the Sun really hot? How are you going to prevent the rocket and the solar panel from melting?"

This is another example illustrating how to use these questions as a springboard for further conversation. This shows the child that you are interested in his ideas. Furthermore, continuing the conversation may also promote other skills in your child; in this example, asking the child how he will prevent the solar panel from melting promotes critical thinking.  

The Bee Scenario (Case #3)

What is something nice you did today? (Development skill: Altruism. Age: all ages)

Kid says:

"I helped my friend chase bees away by throwing soccer ball at them."

Parents Response A:

"Why did you do that? Don't you know that bees sting? That's dangerous. Don't ever do that again."

The child in this example seems excited about how he helped his friend. This particular parent response overlooks the child’s positive intention.

Parents Response B:

"You are a good friend.  I am proud of you. I have heard that bees sting though. How did you prevent the bees from chasing you back? They are good for the environment though..."

"We threw the ball and we ran really fast in the other direction.", says child.

"But what about other kids in the playground. They might not know that bees might come chasing?"

"You are right. I didn't think of that. I should have told everyone to run as fast as they can."

"Yeah, maybe that’s something to think about next time. But it’s good you helped your friend. You know, even though bees sting they actually do a lot!"

This response can also further promote conversation and educate your child about different aspects of the world.

Lonely Recess Time Case (Scenario #4) 

"Where do you usually play at recess?" ( Recommended for Development skill: Social Convention. Age: all)

"I don't play with anyone. I do all my homework at recess.", kid answers.

Parents Response A: 

"Why are you such a loner? You need to go make some new friends."

Parents could use this opportunity to find out if there's a reason that he is not playing with anyone at recess and is doing his homework instead.

Parents Response B:

"I always enjoy your company. I am sure your friends do too. Why are you not playing with them anymore?"

"Friend Z has ganged up with other kids to bully me. They tease me all the time. I rather be by myself than to be teased." answers child.

"I am so glad that you have told me. I wished you had told me about this earlier. I will do my best to keep you safe, anytime anywhere. Would you want to tell me more about the situation in school?", replies parent.

Hopefully, with responses like these, the child will eventually feel that he can trust the parents and will begin to understand that he/she truly want to help him solve his issues. 

Freed the Sadness (Scenario # 5) 

"Do you think this is an appropriate amount of time for someone to be sad when something bad happens to them?"(Development skill: Emotion recognition. Age: Teen)

"Yes, when my best friend got into an accident, I just kept crying and crying. I didn't know if she was going to recover. I was sad the whole time until she got out of the hospital and got back to school.", kid answers.

Parents Response A:  "She is well now. Back to school. No need to be sad anymore."

This response would cut off the conversation about your child’s feelings.

Parents Response B: 

" I know. You were really sad at that time. I had to comfort you a lot but I didn't have a chance to really talk about how you truly felt at that time since you didn't even want to talk."

"I felt like my world was going to end. This person who truly understands me was going to disappear from my life and I was going to be left all alone. I was so scared.", says kid.

"Yes, that's truly scary. I am always here, always by your side at times like this.  I felt your sadness. I am happy to talk with you.
 I am glad that you have handled it really well", parent replies.

Parents are connecting with their child emotionally by listening to her discuss her emotions. Hopefully she will begin coming to you in the future when she is having emotional issues.


Baby Talk Case (Scenario #6)

"What do you think young kids/ babies talk about? (For developmental area: Perspective taking. Age: 5-10, teen)

"Babies say I am hungry, I want milk. Young kids talk about their toys and games. They don't have to go to school, how lucky.", he/she says.

Parent Response A: 

"You are lucky that you get to go to school. Look at those kids who don't have the opportunity to learn."

It is good to make kids be thankful of how lucky they are and not always take things for granted, but this response takes away from the point of the question; to have your child take someone else’s perspective.

Parent Response B: 

"Yes, babies and younger kids spend more time sleeping and playing because that's their phase of growing up. I see you working and learning every day."

This response encourages perspective taking and how they may be different from others. 


The Self-Care Case (Scenario #7)

"Why is it important to take care of yourself so that you can be good to others? (Developmental area: Self esteem. Age: 5-10, teen)

Kid response: "I want to take good care of myself so that I don't get sick. Then you don't have to get tired taking care of me."

Parent Response A: 

"That's great to hear. You don't want to get sick so that you won't miss any important classes or tests."

This too dismisses the main point of the question; having your child think about themselves in relation to others. This also may make your child think that you think classes more important than health. 

Response B:

"I love you, I want to take care of you when you are sick. I am so glad that you care so much about me. Like I always tell you, my world is so beautiful because of you."

I rather take this opportunity to thank my kid for wanting to take care of me. Encouraging his values of taking care of his family. Letting him know that how much I love him and will always be there for him. He can feel my love, and I boost his self esteem that he can also take care of me in return.

Teacher's Talk (Case #8)

"Of your teachers who do you think cares the most about the students? Why?" (Development skill: Perception of others. Age: Teen)

"I think Teacher X really care most about the students. She invites us to her classroom during lunch time. We are free to share our problems with her. She often wants to help us in anyway she can. I do go and talk to her once in a while and talk to her."

Parent's Reaction A:

"If you have problem, you should tell me your mom. Not your teacher. She is not your family. I am."

This may be somewhat discouraging to your child as teens sometimes simply have issues that they don't feel comfortable discussing with their parents. In that regard, it’s probably good that the teen is talking to the teacher. 

Parent's Reaction B:

 "That's really nice of her. I am so glad that you are sharing your thoughts with her, and she has been helpful. I am always here to lend you my hands or ears if you like to discuss with me. I trust that you are asking for the right help at the right time."

This response is more encouraging. For their emotional well-being, we should support our kids to seek help from the people they trust, yet also allowing them to feel that we are these to listen and share their worries.

Having conversations with kids can be really fun. Especially in the process we get to discover their curiosity, creativity, fear, opinion, their pride, our kids are like 'diamonds in the sand', we got to discover them. Or 'onions' that we need to peel. Lots of fun in such discovery.

*Lim is Povi CEO whom through hard way has realized the importance of positive conversation w kids : her story can be read on this post here.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

The Big Connection - Technology As a Tool for Interaction Between Parents and Children

By Anna M.

Times in the Age of Balance: non-digital homemade clock madeBy D.M.  at 2015 Galileo Summer Camp

If you are here reading this is because you have a computer, are online, and probably have a smart phone. Also, if you are looking at this screen now it is because the web is where you frequently search for useful content that might help you to be wiser in any front of your life. Including about all challenges that parenting entails in a digital loaded system with easy access. Also, if you are _ at this moment _ connected, it's because you are fully living in our Digital Era.

At this very moment my children are connected too. One of the boys is online researching documents for a project on the fantastic movie Back to the Future while the other is watching a PBS show which I happen to love, Wild Kratts. We all talk about our "surfing trips" to the web and also about what we are searching online. But we also disconnect and enjoy life going camping and walking on the forest. While I am writing this post, I share the news with them:  the American Academy of Pediatrics just released a new document revising its standards about digital exposure, confirming what I was always suspecting.  "In a world where “screen time” is becoming simply “time,” our policies must evolve or become obsolete. The public needs to know that the Academy’s advice is science-driven, not based merely on the precautionary principle.", says the document Beyond ‘turn it off’: How to advise families on media use., released last week by the AAP.

The point that really caught my attention is the Academy's interest in improving quality parent-child interaction using technology, and not pretending that it is solely an evil thing, lurking on to capture our children and turn them into screen-zombies, if goes out of control. And it points out that who is really responsible to educate the kids about the conscientious use of technology are really the parents: "Experts agreed that parents can model appropriate technology use to their children. Parent-led family media plans should include clear boundaries about children’s media content (including TV) from an early age as well as sound time management practices fostering life balance. Parents should let their children teach them about media and participate with them. Media should be viewed as a tool rather than a babysitter, reward, or punishment. Parents’ ability to connect with their children offline is crucial, as well.", points the whole document written after many specialists got together, see the whole document here:
Growing Up Digital.

We believe there are lots of possibilities when using technology to facilitate the parent-child dialogue, like what POVI app does (download the app from here) does. And we are positive that the app can help parenting with creative technology, once they assist their children to make the best use of it.  This might sound difficult for some parents who grew up having to learn and adapt to all that happened in the last 40 years. Mostly, it's a generation of people who witnessed a fast revolution that moved us from the typewriter to the computer screen, the landline telephones to the wireless phones, etc etc etc. It's a generation who had to learn that the  hard way that TV was not a babysitter and that interaction is the key for new entertainment.

According to Common Sense Media,  more than 30% of U.S. children played with a mobile device when they were still babies. Also, 75% of 13- to 17-year-olds have smartphones, and 24% admit using their phones almost constantly, according to the Pew Research Center. "All of us, including children use it as a resource for their education. Multimedia data - text, voices, videos allow knowledge to be stored, shared and absorbed in the most optimal ways. With the connected world, from the comfort of our home, by the beach, anywhere, we can learn anything we want, as much as we want. ", says Seow Lim, POVI's Founder and CEO. She shares more about her own family: "For example, my teen son is very much into computer hardware recently. By self-teaching himself, he built his own PC, he helps others build PCs, he has figured out how to remote lock in to his desk top from his smartphone when he is in school by hacking the BIOS of his computer. Yes, my son had flourished in technology because he loves it, and now spending lots more time on it without having extra reading, writing and vocab classes that I used to send him to (read about my change of parenting that allow my kid to fly)", says Lim.

POVI Psychology PHD, Daphna Ram explains about the difference in the understanding we have about the digital media: " I don't think the problem is screen time per se, but more the way the screen time is being used. The problem isn't with the devices themselves.", she writes.
"My initial thoughts are for parents to use the technology as a way to get close to their children; use it as a way to learn together, to bring up points of discussion, etc. I think the key is to use apps and screen time not necessarily always as a way to "babysit" the children, but perhaps as a tool to make it easier to interact with your children.".

That said sounds like we are, at the end, just looking for balance. I remember the first pediatrician I met in New York, who was caring for my first son in 2004. He always told me the key for a successful parenting would be to try to have balance in everything, and not depriving my child of any of the mainstream treats (being candies, TV or constructive games), so to avoid that he would grow resentful and therefore prone to overdo any of the things when he would leave home for a dorm. I am sure he is right. As Lim sums up, there's time for everything while we are spending quality time with our children: "Technology and our daily lives can be balanced. We must take advantage of all the convenience, the vast knowledge that technology brings to our fingertips and make us more efficient. At the same time, we can also ensure that we have time to unplug, disconnected from the electronics world, and simply connect with each other. Povi is here to give a little help, a little tip, a little reminder when you need it."

More about the good technology:

1. Don't miss this article: "Don't beat yourselves up about how much TV your kids watch : Computer games and TV shows are a vehicle for conversation and interaction and are a worthwhile endeavor for the skills and cultural literacy they impart", by Lauren Apfel Guardian UK

2.The CDC (Center for Disease Control) issued a very simple document to help parents who are concerned about their children online life: read here.

3. Common Sense Media has a myriad of resources to help on guiding parents about the digital era and education. Check it out here.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at anna@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Raising A Resilient Child

Photo from Trish's personal archives

By Trish Shaffer*

Have you ever met someone who is always positive and sees the glass “half full?” No matter the challenge or adversity, he or she always seems to be able to rise again and succeed. Are these people just lucky? Born with an innate gift of optimism or special genetic trait? Believe it or not, resiliency is a skill, not a gift. The true gift is that we, as parents, can teach our children the skills need to get back up each and every time they fall down by making some simple changes to the words we use and what we praise can help our children have the skills.

First, helping your child develop the outlook that opportunities are skill based, not talent based, is known in the scholarly literature as a “Growth Mindset”. The concept of a Growth Mindset has been made famous by Stanford University professor, Dr. Carol Dweck . Essentially, Dweck identifies there are primarily two types of people; those who have a fixed mindset and those who have a growth mindset.

People in a fixed mindset believe their basic qualities, like intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits. For example, if you asked a person with a fixed mindset to run a 10k with you in three months, their response might be, “I can’t do that – I’ve never a runner.” If asked to tackle a new challenge professionally that required higher levels of management, “I don’t think I am right for that position. I’m not a natural leader or a type A person”.

Conversely, people with a growth mindset, believe that even their most abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment. So, asked the same questions, the answer may be – “You know, I’ve never run a 10k. What does the training schedule look like and when should I start?” or “Taking on higher levels of management will be a new challenge for me. Who has been successful at this in our company and how do I get an appointment with him/her?”

The good news is that we can all go from a fixed to a growth mindset; and even better news for parents is that we are able to foster a growth mindset in children by using some very simple strategies.

First, a very powerful three letter word can change everything for your child. YET. A common scene for parents might be hearing your child struggle with homework, “I can’t do this! It’s too hard.” Help them by rephrasing, “You can’t do this YET, but we will work hard together until you understand it.” You can even start using the word yourself. Just this past weekend, I had the “opportunity” to fix a broken sprinkler head. When my seven year-old son heard me muttering to myself something like, “Oh great! I have no idea even where to begin! I am not handy or a landscaper!” he quickly replied, “Mom! You don’t know how to fix it YET, but I bet you can figure it out.” Such a valuable reminder that little ones often mirror our attitudes, what we say, and how we respond to challenges and adversity. You can see Dr. Dweck explain the power of YET in this video here.

Another powerful, yet relatively simple way to help your child develop a growth mindset is in how and what you praise. When praising our children, most of us say things like “great job!” “Well done on finishing your homework!” or “It is likely is that we attach our praise to an outcome or the end game. “Way to go! You earned an “A” on your test!” “You did great! Congratulations on winning the game!” “You did it! Thank you for cleaning your room!”

What we might not realize is that we are praising the outcome, not the effort. And, by continually praising just the outcome, we are unintentionally setting our kids up for failure.
Think of it like this: If your entire life you are praised for how great you are in a particular area; you begin to identify yourself as being equivalent to that outcome. For example, if you are always the top scholar in your class, and are praised by adults all around for your academic accomplishments, you likely will identify yourself, and get much of your self-esteem from, your ability to achieve academically. It is expected by you and others that you will in the top percent in academics. But, what happens when you are accepted Harvard, amongst peers who are as smart or smarter, and end up in the bottom half of the class at Harvard? Are you a failure?

Children who are not prepared to accept they may not always succeed at first, or have the skills to cope when meeting adversity, may experience irreparable damage, thoughts of suicide, engagement in risky behaviors, or at best, failure to succeed in many aspects of their lives. There are many well-recognized studies on this phenomenon, including Paul Tough’s book, “How Children Succeed.”

To encourage a growth mindset, or to raise children who will get up every time they are knocked down, we need to praise the process, not the outcome. By praising the effort needed, or steps taken, to achieve the outcome, we can help our children understand that it is the effort that results in success. More importantly, give our children the skills to accept and try again when they first do not meet their expectations. Teaching them that when they try and are not met with immediate success, that does not equate to failure, it is a lesson that only informs next moves along the path of achievement. And, when they do succeed, it is not the result of some innate talent, but rather the process that brought them to the success. The effort and steps taken to meet their goals. Watch the video capturing Dr. Dweck’s research on praise.

Our greatest gifts to our children are not ensuring they succeed at everything they attempt or saving to get them into the best school, it is ensuring no matter where their path leads, they have the skills to stand up each and every time they are knocked down.

*From Povi team: we tirelessly make Povi family connect app (link to App store and Google Play) available to parents, families and friends because we believe that there is nothing more important than cultivating wholesome, happy and successful children. Love to have you signed up as beta users. 

 *Our guest blogger Trish Shaffer is a strong voice and leadership of Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) in the Nevada community. She is a mom of two boys and loves to spend (lots of) time with her family and enjoys all types of outdoor activities. She recently received the Mary Utne O’Brien Award for Excellence in Expanding the Evidence-Based Practice of Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) from the CASEL/NoVo Collaborating Districts at the 2013 CASEL Forum in Chicago. Trish is the Coordinator for Multi-Tiered System of Supports (MTSS) for the Washoe County School District (WCSD).   -

See more at: http://www.tedxuniversityofnevada.org/portfolio-item/trisha-shaffer/#sthash.s7r9dVhA.dpuf

Povi team also support the facebook group Emotional Intelligence for Kids. Join our community.

We would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

5 Best of POVI Contest: Share Kid's Amazing Answers

By Povi Content Lab

Dear Povi family, are you enjoying all the conversations you are having with your kids? Would you care to share with us so that we could be part of your circle? Parents and kids in our community of users are curious what other kids are saying after being asked one of Povi's questions.

What would your kid answer if you were to ask him "What is your favorite thing about your best friend?" "If babies could talk, what do you think they would say?" "If you had wings what would you do?" Have you ever asked them these questions? What do you think their answers will be? Aren't you curious? These are some example questions from Povi Family Connect app. Like to try these questions with your kids today? Download for free.

We are launching a contest to show off all the beautiful, intriguing and thought-provoking answers that POVI users are registering on our app, daily. Parents are sometimes surprised by how smart and cute some of the answers they got are. Seow Lim, CEO and founder of POVI, explains: "It's a real treat. Some questions go straight to the point and essence of revealing exactly what is making my kid happy or upset, and the way he shares that is amazing", she tells. You can read one of her stories on this post.

The contest entries are open from September 23rd 2015 8 PM (PST)  to October 24th 2015. All you have to do is download the app (if you already didn't do so), fill up this form on our website and select 5 of the most interesting answers they delivered. You may choose answers from any category from the app and choose the answers that somehow touched your heart and certainly picked your brains. The contest is divided in three age groups:  5-8 years old, 9-12 and 13-18 years old. The submissions can be a short paragraph between 50 to 100 words per day for 5 days. All submission done via the app with a contest submission form filled in via a website page. The inputs don't have to be consecutive but have to be done within 1 month. We will pick winner based on best 5 answers combined. Child's ID is optional, and you might register them with their initials.

Our POVI Content Lab, composed by communication, marketing and psychology specialists will help to pick the winners according to the following criteria: creativity, originality, spontaneity, depth and surprise.  As Lim explains, the idea is to show the diversity of children's minds: ""Our app has been downloaded in over 20 countries globally. It would be so valuable to have an opportunity for the kids around the world to be able to share ideas and thoughts. We love to be able to grow this diverse global community by continuing to encourage daily conversation between parents and children through fun questions". Winners will be announced on the POVI website October 30th, at 10 AM. The prizes are Amazon Gift cards on the value of $25, $15, $10 for 1st, 2nd and 3rd places in each age group. Winners will be invited to share their selected thoughts on our website.

So what are you waiting for? We can't wait to hear from you and we will be delighted to receive your entries (maximum of one per registered email user). As some of us were surprised by the revelation of some of our kid's answers, we hope that you will have fun selecting and collecting your children's jewels. Happy sharing, and good luck!

Join our community on facebook also, Emotional Intelligence for Kids facebook group! And Like us on Povi page.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Tired of Asking your Kids 'How Was School'? Your Smartphone Can Help You

By Povi Content Lab*

One of the most frustrating aspects about parenting is to deal with silent feelings. It's when you have no idea what is driving your kid to isolation, misbehavior or evasion _ or even over excitement. It's like to be "lost in translation" with no clue of what is happening in that universe of which you have absolutely no access. And probably that's why many parenting bloggers, specialists and psychologists are working lately on elaborating _ and sharing_ some questions that might facilitate or encourage kids to be able to talk about their emotions, recognizing what words would be able to express their sentiments.

"What do you love doing that makes you feel happiest?", suggests David K. William at Lifehack post 15 Questions To Ask Your Kids To Help Them Have Good Mindsets. The article in another source of encouragement for parents to deepen their conversation with their kids, in a positive way. "Some of these questions will also help you to enhance your relationship with your children and bond with them, while learning to better understand them.", writes William.

 Liz Evans, blogger from Simple Simon and Co, also shares her thoughts about changing the classic 'How was school today' questions. On her Huff Post article, she gives 25 ideas of conversation lines started by a question like "When were you the happiest today?". That is giving idea of how the feeling is described and how it could amplify the theme of feeling and how to name them.

There are endless possibilities on the art of being creative and develop an interesting conversation with your kid. For example, there's Momastery post about the question jar with 48 questions: Here is the Key to Unlocking your Child's Heart, had more than 770 K shares and 197 K likes at Facebook, showing that there's nothing wrong to add more creativity on parents' conversation with children, and how to interact bringing more feelings to the table.

We all love these questions. We collect the 15 questions, 25 questions, and 48 questions. We printed them out and magnet them to our refrigerators! When we are looking for a conversation starter for the day, we stand in front of the refrigerator to browse through the lists and decide which one we would use for the day.

Wouldn't it be nice to use our modern day technology to help us? Since we are using smartphones and they are a must-have in our lives. So why not to use it? Have the question be sent to our smartphones, optimized to our kids age and the developmental areas that we want to focus on? We no longer have to browse through the 5 lists we keep on papers daily to decide which question to ask? A question is sent to us as notification at the time that's most convenient to us that also serves as a reminder for us to "Start having you conversation now".

We are going to be picking up our kid at 6pm, perhaps set the reminder to 5:45pm so that we receive the question and be able to start using it on our drive home? We are going to be having dinner at 7pm, perhaps open the app to view the 3 questions picked for us on that day, and choose one to use as interesting dinner time conversation topic? How about bed time routine? Reading is so important, storytelling too. How about after the reading routine, when the kid is relaxed and getting ready to sleep, establish the eye contact and the closeness by asking him another question?

If we don't like the question, we can decide to refresh and find more. Our smartphone is with us most of the time, in the car, close to the dinner table, next to the bed. We can have access to these questions at any time.

Povi Family Connect app, released for beta users on both App Store and Google Play, is offering a digital solution for easy access of amazing questions to be asked, allowing parents to write an online journal about their experiences, and explaining which category each question belongs to by age group. You can set up the frequency and schedule when you wish to receive the questions.

One of the categories is exactly about Emotion Recognition. As Seow Lim,  POVI founder and top beta user of the app explains, "This app helps me to also think for what's the best way for me to start a non routine conversation? Invest in more thoughts prior to the conversation, yes, our kids require that extra 1-2 minutes of thinking from us. Instead of the normal how's your school, if my question of the day is, if you can be someone for a day, who would you like to be? I need to think for a bit on how to get that conversation started. Like, have you been studying about Martin Luther King Jr., do you think he is an incredible person? You like Science, do you admire Einstein? We all need to know your child well enough to get that conversation started. And the more conversation we have, the better we know our kids to start the next one. That already helps us grow".

If you love the lists of questions to ask your kids beyond asking "How's your day at school?", and like to try out an easier way to get access to a rich library of questions digitally via your smartphone, you are invited to be the beta user of Povi Family Connect app (link to App store and Google Play). Povi team tirelessly make Povi family connect app available to parents, families and friends because we believe that there is nothing more important than cultivating wholesome, happy and successful children. We want to help! We already have lots of amazing early beta users providing us their wishlist.

We would greatly appreciate your inputs and feedback after using the app on areas that we could improve on. If you would like to provide your comments and find out more about new features that are coming, please contact Seow Lim at slim@povi.me

* Povi's Content Lab is composed by a group of thinkers who are always getting updated about the latest trends on Emotional Intelligence. Our team also admin the facebook group Emotional Intelligence for Kids. Join our community.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

How to Help a Child to Eat Healthy for Life ? Maybe it's All about Emotions

Fruit Bowl Do Not Touch, by D.M, 2012

By Anna M. *

Would you love to have a child who grows old eating healthy foods and who will never think about the words diet or obesity? I do. So it's maybe time to start building a solid base of new culture of "comfort" foods in my home. Yes. Maybe it's time for my family to say goodbye to the bag of chips, ice cream and sweet cookies as comfort-fun foods, and say hello to healthier options. That mini revolution might well start in our own home, kitchen, table and meal planning. At least is what I am trying to do here, and I hope it's not too late.

My 8 years old son is the one who triggered the debate. Since we came back from our summer vacation, he started asking to snack on chocolate bars, cream filled cookies and ice cream. On the back of his mind, I think he was really thinking about extending the feel-good-factor foods of our vacation to his back-to-normal afternoon. I started asking him why he wouldn't graze on grapes, plums, oranges or other amazing seasonal fruits. His answer was that they wouldn't make him happy. So I started asking him to start snacking on fruit so that he could have a treat after. Maybe next time when visiting Italy I will swap the traditional gelato to a fruit bowl.

The idea behind emotional eating and obesity is not new. Some studies, like this one observed that there's a strong link in between emotional eaters and obesity relating their feelings to overeating. The problem is that they are not overeating salads, beans or fruits. They are always choosing certain groups of food that might be considered as comfort.  The Journal of Clinical Nutrition also states in a study that rewarding kids with sweets and fatty foods is also a relevant point to the discussion of children's emotional eating and obesity.

 The problem can be even related to another end of the relationship of parents and kids, as pointed by this study by University of Illinois in 2014. Kelly Bost, a  professor of human development and family studies explains that parents' frustration might lead to overeating: "That pattern of punishing or dismissing a child’s sad or angry emotions was significantly related not only to comfort feeding but also to fewer family mealtimes and more TV viewing, which led to children’s unhealthy eating, including self-reported sugary drinks, fast foods, and salty snacks", Bost said.

As the notion of comfort food is also a concept being discussed by scientists and nutritionists for some time, and very current now: "It makes intuitive sense that positive experiences with a given food could influence our craving for it later on, but recent research also suggests something else is at play, too: comfort foods remind us of our social ties, which means they may help us feel less lonesome when we feel isolated", wrote Alexandra Sifferin at TIME on the article The Science of Why you Crave Comfort Food. The main problem is that tradition, as a family value, is also on the discussion table. If I think about what brings me comfort when anxious or sad, I will immediately run to crunchy salty snacks, or a tub of vanilla ice cream. Those remind me of home, sweet home. So home in my mind is where yummy foods are. And no matter their calories, I will go "home" overtime I need comfort.

Yes. So from now I promised myself that carrot pieces will be the new chips. That (non-GMO) air popped corn will be the new chips. Maybe, (organic) baked apples with cinnamon will be the next apple pie, and quinoa and brown rice pasta the new Sunday evening lasagna. Jamie Oliver, one of my favorite chefs, is already helping families on revisiting their family’s meal and reaching a balanced meal planning that may even include comfort: "Comfort food doesn’t just mean convenient, highly-processed foods or high-fat, sugary foods and recipes. There’s a pleasure to be taken in cooking some recipes, and in eating things we know are good for us. Fruit and vegetables may seem a chore, but eating them in season and appreciating the color and flavor can really change the eating experience. For example, a tomato salad made with seasonal ripe tomatoes offers so much flavor and aroma and can make the ultimate comfort food!", writes Laura Matthews, head of nutrition at Jamie's Oliver website.

But most important of all, I will engage in deeper conversations with my children about how they feel about food, and specially will try to understand underlying issues that much be triggering emotional eating in my younger kid. Povi Family Connect app (available in both Android and iOS) is one of the tools I am using for that and I believe that it is helping me to locate where my son is filling up an emotional gap with food. We will still cook together as we've been doing for years, and hopefully, when we are including even healthier options of fun food we, as a family, will be healthier and happier.

*Povi is having a short kid essay contest from Sept 23 - Oct 23, 2015. Please find the details here. http://povime.blogspot.com/2015/09/5-best-of-povi-contest-share-kids.html

*Anna M, journalist and chef, is content editor of Povi, and blogs about cooking with kids at Cook Play Explore since 2009.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at anna@povi.me to catch up anytime!

           

             

            

"Mommy I am lonely at school today": How to Help Your Child With The Right Questions

By Seow Lim*


What is inside a child's mind is just so amazing. If you just ask, you might be treated with some surprises.You might see their amazing sense of emotions, their thinking process and have access to their true feelings.

My two boys, one in 2nd grade and one in 8th, are both very different from each other. I used to be more concerned about how much food they ate for dinner, their scores in tests, and if they finish their homework. Why? I was a "tiger mom" - read about my story here.

I realized  that just asking them "How's your school?" "How's your homework?" "Did you score in your basketball game?" after I see them after school every day is completely insufficient. Yes, I knew what happened to them that day, but I didn't know what went on their little brains and hearts. I didn't have any feel of their emotional beat any day. Unless, if they come home one day, and truly volunteered to tell me that "Mommy, this guy A bullied me in school by calling me names and I am feeling really bad", else I would never have found out.

As the founder and CEO of Povi Family Connect app, of course, I am also the first beta user of the app. I have been testing the app every day. The questions are designed by Daphna Ram, PhD, Developmental Psychologist in our team and reviewed by other experienced clinical and school psychologists. I have made it a habit to ask one question one the car ride back when I pick them up, one at the dinner table, and one during bedtime routine. I find bed time routines to be typically the most effective time for my 2nd grader to share his feeling with me, while with the teen it is usually at dinner table.

My 2nd grader's first week in school after a long summer was just last week. He went to summer camps but he also spent a lot of time with me at home and at work. Yes, I brought him to office and he had to sit in our meetings and be the little assistant. So he still has that 'departure anxiety' going back to school.

On the 4th day, during our bedtime routine, I asked him one of  Povi's question: "Why do Daddy and Mommy have to go to work?" He thought for a while, he said "Mommy, can you don't go to work and stay home with me all the time like during the summer? Can I study at home?" I asked him "Why?" His answer: "Mommy, I am lonely in school. I like being with you. I don't want to leave you."

I know in my heart that's not all his story... I asked again,

"Did anyone upset you or bully you today?" He said no.

 "I thought you really enjoy playing with your friends last year. Don't you want to learn and play with them?"

He thought for a while, and answered: "All my friends from last year whom I like to play with are in the other class. Recess time are not so fun any more."

Knowing that he is a bit slow to warm, I asked " Did you join their games? Or you have been watching?" He said: "I have been mostly watching because I don't know who I should join".

Now I know what are the issues. We went on to discuss each and every one in his class, how well he knows them, and if he sees them playing something that he likes when he was watching. We then concluded that he wants to play four square the most with these other few boys, and I encouraged him to go and asked them if he could join them the next day. I recorded it in my Povi journal and set a reminder that I should talk to him again tomorrow morning about this.

When we were on the car the next morning, I reminded him again that since he likes playing four square he could take the lead to ask them if they would let him join. He thought for a bit,and said "I will try, but I am not sure". I told him " I will be so proud of you if you ask. Even if they don't let you join, at least you have tried asking to join a game that you like playing. Or you can also ask other kids if they want to form a team with you playing the game. Give it a try."

That evening, when I picked him up, he was so happy that he said: "Mommy, I had such a great game with four square today. The boys let me join their game." I said: "I am so proud of you that you are brave, you asked, and got to do what you like. So, are you still feeling lonely today?" He said:  "No, I am not lonely, but mommy I still think of you a lot, whenever I am not playing or learning." He is so sweet.

I was wondering to myself is it common for kids to feel loneliness? Frankly, this is pretty sensitive and negative type of feeling, I was a bit surprised that he actually knows the word and what it means. So, I have done a bit of research around it, writing it down to share with interested readers.

Firstly, I asked Daphna Ram, PhD, Developmental Psychologist in our team, what are her thoughts about loneliness. "There is some evidence to suggest that an effective way to help individuals feel less lonely is by helping them reframe the way they are thinking about their experience. "she says. And she also validated my initiative, (what a relief!) : "Encouraging your children to think differently- such as by telling your son to ask the children to play with him rather than waiting for the children to ask him- is a great strategy.", Ram commented.

She also added some other tips on how to deal with this experience: "Helping your children explore why they may feel lonely and allowing them to realize that it may not be about them _ sometimes other kids can be mean _ is also important. Relatedly, helping children understand that the situation may not be intentionally hurtful is helpful as well. Bringing up situations in which your child may have inadvertently hurt someone else's feelings can illustrate that sometimes people unintentionally hurt others' feelings.", she says.


I like the checklist from this article:
Should I Force My Lonely Child to Socialize More?
By Child Mind Institute, Understood Founding Partner

Is she shy or anxious around other kids?
Is she being bullied at school?
Is she showing any other signs of emotional upset?
Is she having trouble “fitting in”?
Does she just prefer spending time alone in her room reading and drawing?

I think this is a great checklist, at least for me I was using it mentally to diagnose my son's loneliness situation.

Loneliness is what I'm feeling
feelingsShrivelled up like a tiny bean
Everyone else seems as happy as can be
But to me they are so mean.
Being kicked out of the group 
Makes me want to scream.
Standing up, facing my fears,
Smiling and wiping away my tears.
I'll make new friends and I'll have them for years.

Estelle

Is Your Child a Loner or Alone?
How Parents Can Help Children with Friendship Issues

Does your child have difficulty with friendships? Here’s a look at possible causes and what you can do about it.  

I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to talk through the loneliness feeling of my child and give him some encouragement on how to deal with his issue. If I hadn't asked him, he might not have told me about it. I am glad that he has been made a habit to share his feelings with me on a daily basis.

*Lim is the Founder and CEO of Povi.me.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!