Technology Comes To the Jugglers (a.k.a Working Moms!) Rescue

* By Seow Lim*

It was 5:30pm. I was still in the conference room. It was getting late to pick up my kids. I excused myself, left,  and started to drive, dialing into the conference call. At 6pm, I picked up my son. I greeted him, and tried to get off the call so that I could talk to him. Finally, the call was done, I turned to look at my child, and asked: "How's was school?" He looked bored and said, "Ok".

Do you see yourself in this picture? As a busy high tech working mom of two boys, I constantly juggled family and work. I worked hard so that I could give my kids better lives, at the same time I encouraged them to work hard so they could achieve better academic success. I thought that was the ultimate and only goal.

Two years ago, my son's school counselor told me: "Your kid is really smart, but he is not happy." I had tried so hard to be the best parent. So had I done wrong? I started looking for the solution. I took time off from my high flying career. I made sure I was home at 3pm when the kids got back from school. I started reading all the best selling parenting books, and having more in-depth conversations with my children. I joined many parenting groups online to learn from other parents. I started the Emotional Intelligence for Kids group on Facebook and received much support and many ideas from parents like myself.

After much reflection, armed with all this information, I finally found my solution - parents like me need to connect more often and more thoughtfully with their kids. From this realization, was born Povi. A product that I hope will help me and other parents connect and communicate meaningfully with their children.  I built a team and we first launched the Povi Family Connect app - both on Google Play and App Store. This app sends one thoughtful question, fail to registered parents. Our questions are designed by our developmental psychologist and we soon signed up 1k beta users on our app.

After a few months I approached all our beta users for their feedback. The response was the questions are great but they lacked 'context'.  While analyzing the app data, we also found out that kids were answering the question very differently and in interesting directions. No  wonder parents were telling us that they are learning a lot more about their kids than they did before. From this feedback we knew our app was very useful, but to take it to the next level, we needed to solve the "context" issue. This context would help parents ask the question without having to come up with their own context or background. Context, we decided should be built around stories. Not just normal stories but real life stories that kids experience in their daily lives.

Further, with more feedback from parents and teachers, we decided to narrow down our focus to younger children because we want to build the habit of talking with parents about emotions, feelings and problem solving from the early preschool age.

And then, because Povi was going to be sharing real-life stories (something kids and parents loved in our focus groups) we came to the decision that he needed to be cuddly. Povi took the shape of a cuddly plush toy, perfect for a warm and cozy story and conversation session.

Designed to help parents raise happier, caring and confident children, Povi is an EI (emotional intelligence) content platform + app of crowd-sourced content with a huggable storytelling buddy as the delivery tool. In other words, Povi is a connected toy with a mission, for children ages 3-8. Povi shares short stories based on children's everyday situations then engages young listeners and their parents in a discussion on emotions and feelings.




Bootstrapping, we manufactured 20 prototypes and started the Traveling Povi program.

This is a program when we send Povi with 5 expert designed stories to the homes of interested parents for a week. We have the parents and kids test Povi and send us their feedback.

We already received great feedback from parents and kids who have tried out Povi. Some testimonials we received:

• Kids are very excited about listening Povis stories - don’t want to stop at one.
• Povi motivated children to talk about similar personal experiences.
• Parents appreciated that they learned something new about their kids lives and how their kids think through/process experiences.
• The story starter is the most effective as kids jump right into discussion and commentary.

Our biggest issue is that kids in this first round of trial are so possessive of Povi they are reluctant to let him travel! We now need to build more!! Our goal is to build the next 5000 Povis so that there will be enough Povis to go around, helping busy young families connect and communicate.

The team behind Povi is are up of seasoned software engineers, a designer, a journalist, marketing specialists, toy veterans, psychologists and counselors. They all joined me because they believe in Povi's mission to help parents raise happier, caring and confident kids. I want to be able to make Povi a reality. I want to be able to especially help busy working moms like myself - to make it easier for you to get into thoughtful conversations that touch the emotions and feelings of your children every day.

Please help me make Povi a reality. Support us on Kickstarter on May 24, 2016. http://www.povi.me/waitlist.html. Like us so that you can also share us with your friends.

Nightcap: Our Forever Books

Once upon a time a Chicka Chicka Boom Boom!

By Mallika S *

While taking the train down the peninsula from San Francisco, we passed San Carlos where I’d lived for many years when my kids were much younger. Looking out of the train window, the view of the familiar hills in the evening light evoked a feeling of time gone by and surprisingly a sense of dread.

I was carried back to those years as a mom of young kids, when I would commute back from work in San Francisco and disembark every weekday evening to this view of the hills and begin worrying about the long list of things to be accomplished between then and bed-time. Rush to pick kids up from daycare, wonder what to make for dinner, discuss what happened at school and why, help with homework challenges, sibling arguments and then bath and bed. This and more is what working moms do every weekday evening.

What brightened those busy evenings were two treats. First, we'd always stop at a local park, even if for just ten minutes. We covered all the parks in our area, experiencing the novelties each had to offer in the form of playmates, play structures, parents and pets. Writing this makes me want to visit them all again. The second treat was cuddling up with a book, or many of them, which is what this post is really about.

Reading together was always a great way to end the day and since reading was as much a treat for me as for my kids, it was great fun to explore each new book and then decide if it was a 'keeper', that is   a book that is good to read over and over again. After the hurry-scurry of the day, after the lecturing and yelling (which I did in spades according to my now full-grown son), after the cooking and cleaning-up, this was our nightcap.

When I was a child, I had only a few books! I still remember the 3 books I owned when I was in elementary school, which I read hundreds of times: Sujata and the Elephant, which I loved so much, because of the idea of having a an elephant who never forgets you was such a romantic idea. The second was Alice in Wonderland. Its magical realism can still carry me away and the cake always looked delicious to a perpetually hungry kid in boarding school. Hollow Tree House, by Enid Blyton was a favorite in those days. This one about an orphan making her home in a hollow tree and being supplied with delicious food by two friends everyday, was something I wanted to experience myself!

As a parent, my kids and I read our favorite books many times over and some at least fifty times each.  I’m coming to our list of favorites, but I must caveat, that with the passage of time, some of these favorites may just not be the 100% wholesome books I thought they were.

I was particularly distressed that the Berenstain Bears, my ‘go-to’ resource for teaching social emotional skills like courage or caring, are actually under scrutiny for various subtle negative stereotypes and messages they convey. In the book NurtureShock the author writes, “the books and videos always ended on a happy note, with siblings learning to value and appreciate each other, but the first half of the stories portrayed in vivid detail the ways that children can fight, insult and devalue their siblings.”

In another study referenced in the same book, the author points out, “Essentially, Ostrov (a researcher) had just found that Arthur is more dangerous for children than Power Rangers.” And that’s essentially because we cannot predict whether the young viewer or reader will take his message away from the beginning, middle or end of the story!

Here’s to not over-reacting, however, and let’s not throw our favorites out of the window just yet. Let’s use these and other wonderful books – in their totality to help us discuss sensitive topics with our kids, the end goal being more emotional intelligence.

Another example of a good book gone bad in recent times is A Birthday Cake For George Washington, that Scholastic Publishing announced it was pulling from its catalog. The book raised a furor over how it portrays Washington's enslaved household help. It showed them as happy, smiling workers. Here’s what Jeremy Adam Smith who edits Greater Good science magazine at Berkeley had to say: “You know, I read those books aloud to my son. And I also felt ambushed by some of the racist imagery in the books, which nobody had done anything to prepare me for. You know, what I did was I closed the book, and I said - how do you think it would make you feel if you were black and you were reading this? And we talked about that. And this was a lesson - I think I - we had this conversation when my son was about 7 years old. A lot of it went over his head. However, it was the beginning of a discussion that continues to this day, as he approaches 12 years old.”

Conversation accompanies reading books. If books capture the true spirit of our lives, then books must capture the negatives we confront in our lives. Isn't it our responsibility as parents to guide these conversations to help our children confront, absorb and synthesize messages – positive and negative - and to help them be shaped by the discussion around these messages.

Here’s to books and reading and snuggling down. These are our favorites - our “forever books". Loved because they carried us to worlds of fun, adventure or thoughtfulness, many with animal companions who spoke in kind and gentle voices.


FUN

Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

The Diggingest Dog by Al Perkins and Eric Gurney

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Bill Martin Jr. and John Archambault

Kipper’s Birthday by Mick Inkpen

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie By Laura Joffe Numerous and Felicia Bond

The Teddy Bears Picnic (first published in 1907!) by Jimmy Kennedy and Alexandra Day

Tiki Tiki Tembo by Arlene Mosel and Blair Lent

Where’s Julius? by John Burningham

Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

Barnyard Dance by Sandra Boynton

Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? by Dr. Seuss

We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Helen Oxenbury and Michael Rosen


LIFE LESSONS

Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfizer and J. Alison James

Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant

Berenstain Bears by Jan and Mike Berenstain

Patchwork Elephant by David McKee

Grimms Fairy Tales by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm

A Bell for Ursli by Celina Chonz and Alois Carigiet

Curious George by Margret and H.A. Rey

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein

Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss

The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg

* Mallika is an experienced parent who's still learning.

Please LIKE POVI on facebook and also join us at Emotional Intelligence for kids group.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at mallika@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Valentines or Not? That's the Question

By Anna M.

Tomorrow, by this time, both of my boys will probably come home with a package full of Valentine's cards and candies. It's a curious and fragile moment. They might be surprised about some demonstration of affection as they will also probably be resentful if there's a card missing, from someone they really care for. I suffer with them. It hurts not to be appreciated or to have to show that you like someone you barely know. And that, for me, poses the whole dilemma of Valentines cards and all the emotions involved in the activity, specially for kids.

The drama, though, is triggered days before the event. They share some excitement and some frustration about the whole process of writing cards or compliment hearts. Mostly because as the school instructs, if they decide to send cards, it has to be to all their classmates.  Because of that my 5th grader 11-years old decided not to deliver any. His idea is simple: "Nobody really minds mom, because we can't possibly give candy to everybody and it really doesn't mean anything", he says. I have my doubts that he is totally aloof. But then, it's on my call to respect his point.

As they learn in 2nd and 3rd grade, the date is an opportunity to share friendship and acknowledge the bright side of each of their colleagues. It's when they normally would call for my help: "Mom, how can I say something nice to someone I don't like"?, asks the 9 years old. I am always puzzled. But as a sensible and responsible parent I choose to support the school's strategy: "There has to be something that you like in that person. Just relax and think about that". So, few day ago, I saw him writing compliment hearts with very creative stuff. Something like "Dear friend, I really like your handwriting", or "You play soccer so well".

For me it's always a learning curve. Sharing the way you feel about someone (not spontaneously) is something I culturally don't understand. On the other hand, looking at the bright side of any personality certainly is a positive teaching. I feel like when practicing that emotion sharing, you open new perceptions on how to accept people's diverse personality and observe them closely. I like the fact that my younger kid had a chance of thinking about each of his classmates, in a moment of reflection.

But my 11 years old is not a believer: "I think that, for a kid in elementary school, Valentine's Day is just a commercial stunt to sell candy and other useless junk. If you really like someone, buy something that is meaningful to them and hand-deliver it to them.".  That said (he personally wrote this), I am grateful that this are his ideas. I hope that his best friends share the same vision.


*Anna is Povi's Content Manager, a chef and a journalist.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!









         

Would You Rather Be a Monkey or a Human?

Art by Lim's son

By Seow Lim*

Ever since I started my transformation from a Tiger mom who only asked about, "How's your school?"  or "Did you eat your dinner?" to a much more interactive Povi Mom who always look for opportunity to connect emotionally with my kids, I have a lot more fun challenges in my life having to answer 'unexpected' questions from them.

One day, my 7-year old came back from school and finished his dinner. He was sitting there by himself, looking at his hands and feet. I knew that he was thinking about something. I let him have some quiet time by himself. I sat down beside him. I asked him: "I notice that you have been studying your hands and feet very carefully, are you wondering about something?"

At first he was a bit apprehensive to share his thoughts with me. I then asked:
_ "What do think if instead of hands and feet, you have four legs?" - I remembered that as one of the questions from our Povi Family Connect app.
His eyes lit up, and he immediately responded:
_ "Yeah, I was wondering what would happen to the world if our hands and legs look the same and everyone has 4 hands or 4 legs?"
_ "That's really interesting. What made you think about that?" I asked.
_"We are learning about animal adaptation at school, I am wondering why didn't human evolve like the animals with 4 legs. Then we don't have to use a pen to write.", he said.
_"What would you use to write then? Hmm...we learn how to write with our feet." I said.

He thought for a while, then he said:
_"Then pen might look different. It shouldn't look like how it is now." I then asked him if he could draw for me how he think a pen would look like if people were to use our feet to write. He took this opportunity to complain to me that his hands hurt a lot from learning how to write cursive in school, and how his fingers were bending. I showed my empathy to him about his effort that he was putting in and we talked about various different ways to make his hand feel better like stretching it once in a while or perhaps I could treat it with an ice pack every day when he gets home.

I continued the discussion about the difference between human and animals in brain sizes, and our feelings. He was telling me that he knows that ants talk to each other but we were wondering whether ants could tell each other if they were happy or sad. He told me that insects have such small brains they probably don't have deep feelings but he thinks that bigger mammals like monkey, dogs and cats much have.

A question came to my mine: "Would you rather be a monkey or a human?"

He thought for a while and finally replied:
_"There are pros and cons of both. If you were a monkey, you get to play all day, hang from tree to tree, don't have to go to school but you got to search for your own food in the jungle. Unlike human like us, we have to go to school, we can't play all day, we can't hang from tree to tree, but we don't have to search for our own food. I think Curious George (ed. note,  cartoon that he loves watching) has the best life. He has a city house and a country house. He has the Man in the Yellow Hat get him food all day. He does not need to go to school. He gets to play with everyone. He gets to be naughty and never gets punished. I like to be like George."

I was thinking to myself the whole time how should I respond to this conversation. Should I tell him that he can't think about play the whole time? Should I tell him how lucky he is to have Daddy and Mommy bring food to his table?

Remember what I learnt about Growth Mindset to praise on the effort, I decided to say: "I am glad that you are thinking deeper about such things. It is not always easy to see things from different angles which you did. There are always pros and cons in our lives, the most important is for us to be happy with what we have and to be able to work hard for what's important for us to be better."

During real time conversation with my sons, I can't be sure that I always can give the right responses. Seriously, it would be too stressful to always strive to give the best 'lecture' so that they 'learn the most'. I feel that the most important is to pay attention to them, encourage them for their thoughts and efforts and always give them support and lots and lots of love and hugs.

Do you have your conversation starter stories to share with us? Join Povi partner.

*Lim is CEO of Povi. Please like us on Povi Facebook.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Write for Povi and Become a Partner

@povi_me is happy and feeling accomplished! He has practiced and practiced a #song on the #piano and had mastered it. Thanks for your help.

A photo posted by Povi Buddy (@povi_me) on Jan 15, 2016 at 7:17am PST

If you have experiences to share with the rest of the world,  believe in the power of emotional intelligence to help kids succeed and is passionate about story-telling, join us for a fun adventure that can turn into a job. Your child-related experiences contributed in the form of anecdotes or stories will help build a product that builds emotional intelligence (EI) and teaches kids how to navigate social situations.

We are looking for stories to use as Conversation Starters on the Povi product. Povi helps kids discuss social-emotional topics. Contributions will be curated by an expert panel (teachers and psychologists) who will select the best stories to load onto the beta version of Povi. If your story gets selected to be a Povi Conversation Starter you earn a percentage off every Povi content package sold once we actually launch the product for sale.

Tired of products that build only kids’ academic achievements and IQ? Povi’s mission is to revolutionize EI development. Draw on your experience in social emotional development to help kids navigate the social and emotional challenges in the lives. As POVI"s CEO and POVI creator says: "I have always been a busy working mom. I pay lots of attention to my kids' development. I buy toys and educational products for them. Two years ago, my son's school counselor told me, “Your child is really smart, but he is not happy.” How painful can that be for a mom! That’s how Povi was created, as you can read in the whole story here.

Satisfy your dream as a writer. Early Enthusiast offer of $10 Amazon card to the first 25 stories contributed! Click here to find the form and more details about the partnership. Povi's goal is to revolutionize family playtime for EI development. Povi is a smart, story-telling toy and app on a platform developed by Antwish, Inc. Kids and parents interact with Povi to build emotional intelligence in a fun and engaging manner.

The Povi platform consists of a smart and cuddly story-telling buddy, an app for parents and an online forum for families and experts to connect on the topic of EI. The Povi Buddy is a smart toy programmed with endless story-starters on social-emotional topics. And this is where you can play a part in developing this next-generation fun platform to enhance family interaction. If you want also help us to choose which Povi is the best looking cuddly toy, please take a look in our Instagram page and make part of this this survey.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Povi has its own Instagram! Please help us to pick your favorite buddy.

Would you like to follow Povi's adventures? It's easy: Follow him on Instagram. As part of our campaign to launch our new interactive smart story-telling toy, Povi will be traveling to far away lands and to everyday places. We also would be delighted if you can share with us which of the Povi models you prefer. For that you can also visit our POVI page at Facebook or our Instagram page below. We have three options for how Povi will look. You can help us decide by picking the one you (or your child) prefers here.

How would the world be without books? Povi loves to read out loud.

A photo posted by Povi Buddy (@povi_me) on Jan 13, 2016 at 5:47pm PST

Zero to Twenty: My Ups and Downs with Parenting and Building Emotional Intelligence

By Mallika Sankaran*

At home this meant simple but dedicated conversations to develop the 5 traits of successful people: self-awareness, self-motivation, self-regulation, empathy and social skills. But this happened only when we discovered, after some eureka parenting moments, that when it comes to EQ not everyone is born equal.

The pre-school soccer field is a good place to observe these five emotional intelligence traits at various levels of development: You’ll see the emotionally mature kids _ born with higher EQ (yes, this can happen – just like higher IQ) and by 4 they have the social-emotional skills of an adult _ they get the rules and play by the rules. They interact smoothly with the kids, the coach and the parents and everyone just loves them. Think Oprah Winfrey or Matt Damon. Oprah is strong, decisive and has a great intuition on what her audience wants and how to make people open up on the most personal issues. Matt Damon, plays socially awkward guys but his real-life personality is exactly the opposite! His marriage is one of the most stable in Hollywood, his friendships last for decades and he is caring and humanitarian*. (source: camomileq.com)

Then there are the lost kids on the soccer field _ running or walking around _ aimlessly; not sure what they are supposed to be doing and why they are on the field. But, they have age-appropriate social-emotional skills _  they know how to get through the game without getting in trouble!

And last, the kids who seem ‘so out-of-it’ as described by the smug parents on the sidelines. These kids seem to have their own agenda and it’s definitely not the team or soccer. They’re climbing up the nets, kicking the ball ‘at’ the other kids not ‘to’ them, questioning the coach – and generally being un-cooperative.

What’s going on? Is it that they don't like soccer? Is it that after a day of having to follow the rules in school they just need down-time to play and not have more rules and boundaries? Is it that they are mad at their mom? The coach? Their teammates? Who’s to know, unless you talk to them, and by talk I mean chat in a back and forth, non-confrontational, non-lecturing manner – which is a building block towards higher EQ.

Now, I’m thinking back to my days as a new and short-lived soccer mom. My son had just turned 4. He had never expressed interest in soccer or martial arts or baseball or playing the piano or in learning French or in the numerous other activities I wanted him to pursue. It wasn’t like he didn't have his own passionate interests: he loved reading (taught himself how to read from with Pokeman books), watching movies and repeating pitch-perfect dialogues (my favorite was Han Solo) cooking (he learned how to make California Rolls at age 5 from a Japanese friend) and building houses (we never threw away a cardboard carton, ever and always had a construction in progress.)

 I loved all this about him, but for me it wasn’t sufficiently mainstream – I wanted him to be on the local soccer team, get a black belt in Taekwondo and star in the local production. Without knowing it I was being over-aspirational - not just happy that my son had his own unique interests and talents, I felt that I was short-changing his development if I did not give him ALL the opportunities to “be the best” a “Renaissance Man”. Putting a lot of pressure on him and myself in the process.

The term Renaissance Man is used for a very clever person who is good at a great many different things. The idea comes from a time of history called the Renaissance which lasted from about 1400 to about 1600. One of the most famous people alive during this time was Leonardo da Vinci. Not a bad aspiration in itself, but in today’s world one that can quickly lead to over-scheduled kids and stress, especially for kids who’s EQs have not quite caught up with their IQs. Too many activities, too many challenges and too little time for something really important - parent-child conversations.

Today my son loves soccer – playing for his high school and college, he makes and keeps good friends, works constantly on different teams as part of his film major and he is passionate about his many interests. To a proud (and now wiser mom) that’s sufficiently renaissance. His most defining traits are his confidence and his ability to engage and interact with people productively – vital social-emotional skill needed for success in life. Perhaps he just figured it all out as he grew up. Or perhaps what worked is that when we discovered this new (to us) world of EQ and social emotional learning when he was 4 – we began to work really hard at it as a family.

We used every opportunity (to the point of being bores) to talk about “what happened”, examine feelings, discuss alternate courses of action, use specific kid-friendly words and language – something that at first seemed deliberate and contrived and was difficult for someone like me, who likes things spontaneous. We read books that taught us “how to speak so your child will listen” and played board games that taught “self-awareness”. We used a system of rewards and stars to motivate “self-regulation” We tried many things and one can’t say for sure what worked or didn’t. May be it was just part of growing up. But at the end of the day it all added up to the fact that we spent time a lot of family time talking and listening – which creates a parent-child connection that stays on and says “we have your back”.

As Alvin Rosenfeld, author of The Over Scheduled Child,  says, “Don't coach them on how to better throw a baseball – jus throw the ball around. Don't always teach them to be better just teach them to be themselves - research shows that might be the real ticket to success after Harvard. …it was whether they had one good relationship with someone when they were growing up…someone who accepted them for who they were and not for whether they could hit the long home run.”

Today I feel roles are reversed – when I’m having issues with persistently troubling interactions with someone, I find that my son is usually the voice of reason who helps me see the other person’s point of view – which is usually a good way out of negative situations.


*Mom of a 15 year old and a 20 year old.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at mallika@povi.me to catch up anytime!

5 Thoughtful Blog Messages to keep for the New Year!

By Anna M.*

So here we are almost in the end of the year. I would like to celebrate 2015 with you sharing a selection of thoughts, quotes and posts that made part of our blog's half year of life. Better Family Conversations had a great start in June and we are hoping that many of our contributions will help to build more relationships in 2016 ! Happy new year!

Transformation
Lim's inaugural writing about how she conceived POVI is one of our top posts. My favorite quote is about how she candidly shares how she had to leave her Asian Mom person behind and build everything from scratch again: "However, when my son was in his 6th grade, my perfect life fell apart. I was called in to meet with his school counselor. She looked into my eyes and said: "Your child is very smart but he is not happy". How painful could that be? I couldn't stop asking myself why I failed. I worked so hard to be the best mom ever. What mistakes had I made in the process?". This, for me is the fracture, the moment when she decides that a new mom is on the rise.

Self- Esteem:
"Supporting children’s self-esteem and self-concept also promotes the development of specific emotions that are critical in helping the child have positive interactions with others.", wrote Daphna Ram, Ph.D Psychology Cornell, who utilizes her Developmental Psychology expertise on Povi Family Connectapp. On her post she shares good strategies and understanding to help parents to raise caring, confident and secure children. Very good reading!

Resilience
"To encourage a growth mindset, or to raise children who will get up every time they are knocked down, we need to praise the process, not the outcome. By praising the effort needed, or steps taken, to achieve the outcome, we can help our children understand that it is the effort that results in success." wrote Trish Schaefer, a very special collaborator to our blog. On her article, How to Raise a Resilient Child, she brings knowledge with great enthusiasm, on a very helpful tone. I always go back to it when I come across challenging issues with my sons.

Interaction
"It's when motherhood kidnaps the best from me and transforms me into a monster mom and even a yelling woman on the verge of a neurotic breakdown. I am sure I am not alone. When I talk to other moms at school they all agree it's a tough time to be a parent.". The post 5 Tips to Be a Better Parent before 8 AM helped me to identify the source of my struggle, and also how to develop ways to solve it. But the reason I chose it is deeper: my 8 year-old son illustrated it, and for that he had to read the article. Since that day he understood how their behavior affected me, and both boys are behaving so much better. One more sign that communication and emotional skills are important and can be shared.

Connection
Yes, I believe that any kind of tool _ including interactive, screen and even other types of digital entertainment can help parents to understand their children and build up a dialogue including the electronics. For that reason I recommend the following posts: Tired of Asking your Kids How was School? , The Big Connection and, of course, the non-brainer hug, on this candid post about how important it is to hug, for both parents and kids.

Thanks for reading our blog, and we all hope that 2016 brings lots of love and good feelings to our big family of parents and educators.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Survey Result Redefines Parents and Children Quality Time

By Mallika Sankaran*

These are the results from our “100 Moms” Survey on Quality-time, Conversation and EQ.
The good news: moms and kids are playing and talking, a lot! Half of the moms surveyed tell us that they spend 2 or more  hours of quality time with their kids every day! Despite the fact that over two-thirds of our sample are moms employed outside the home.

These were parents (mainly moms) from across Facebook’s diverse parenting groups, including our discussion group Emotional Intelligence for Kids, where we asked them questions to help us understand how parents are thinking about developing their childrens’ emotional intelligence. We’ll share the rest of the results with you over the next few weeks.
Moms’ top three choices for ‘quality time’:

• Playing together – 93%
• Chatting with their kids – 87%
• Reading together – 83%

I was very surprised by the amount of quality time reported. 2 or more hours a day, when parents are are busy and stretched, that’s a lot of time. My kids are older now but I tried to think back to when they were younger and how I spent time with them. Our favorite activities were: going to the park (we checked out a lot of parks for the novelty of their play structures!) and reading at bedtime (our favorites were Bernstein Bears, Rainbow Fish and Teddy Bears Picnic.  By the way, the first two were great books for our discussing social-emotional issues. We also did a lot of building together activities. like Lego, race cars and tracks and trains.

For me now, quality time with my 15 year old is mainly chatting in the car, eating dinner or watching TV together. I count TV time as quality-time because we take turns picking the shows and chat while we watch – right now we are watching Season 2 of Gilmore Girls.

Please share with us what you do for quality time, how much quality-time you manage to average per day and give us your suggestions of books and products. More next time!

*Mom, researcher and community builder

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at mallika@povi.me to catch up anytime!

How Hugging My Kid Helps me to Be Healthier and Happier

Clay art by Lim's Son

By Seow Lim*


Every evening, when I pick up my kid from his after school, he runs towards me, and gives me a big tight hug. “Mommy, I missed you so much.”, he says. It feels so good. It fees like the entire day of tiredness drains away from me, and I have this little guy who is so attached to me. Scientifically, I have learnt that hugging helps release oxytocin (also known as the cuddle hormone), the chemical that’s linked to social bonding, promoting devotion, trust and bonding.

Our hug usually re-energizes me. Instead of drifting back to my problems at work and the tasks I need to complete, I make sure that I focus my thoughts on my boy, making sure that we use our 15-20 minutes ride home as high quality time together. It is usually not easy to tear your mind away from all those complex problems or addictive emails that need to be answered right away, but holding my son’s hands help me focus on him and my conversation with him.

After the big hug, I hold his hand while we walk back to the car. I ask him about his school and his friends. He loves to share his day with me. I also try to find an opportunity to ask him a different question each day, about his thoughts and feelings.  Questions like:
_  “Is there someone in your class whom you see trying hard to do something that seems hard for him/her?”
_ “If you could invent something today, what would you make?”
_ “Have you been left out in any games at school?”

Being 7, he sometimes returns my question: “I don’t know. What do you think?”. That gives me the opportunity to share with him my daily experience and feelings too, letting him see that sometimes things are hard for me as well, and how I also need to try hard to learn or ask for help to solve my problems.

He is a very sweet and empathetic boy. There was once a time when I told him about a difficulty I had met with and that I didn’t know how to solve. He actually said: “Mommy, it’s ok. I am sure you will find a solution. Just keep trying.” After we got out of the car, he gave me another big hug. I had tears in my eyes. My stress level had gone down at that point.

Was it the effect of the hug that activated the Pacinian pressure receptors on my skin, and that sent signals to my vagus nerve, the area of my brain that’s responsible for lowering my blood pressure? Or was it the empathy I had received from this young child of mine? We deliver positive and encouraging messages to our kids, and how nice it is for them to have learnt that and deliver them back to us when we need them the most?

Every night, at bed time routine, my boy holds his hands up and says, “Mommy, you haven’t hugged me yet!” We then hug each other tightly for 30 seconds and he always says, “Mommy, I love you so much.” And I say, “I love you too.” I can always see the big grin he has on his face when he hears me say that, and that’s true happiness!

Once I asked him why he wanted me to hug him every night.“I don’t know, but I think I feel safer if you do.”, he replied. According to research results, children who are frequently hugged grow up to display fewer stress symptoms as adults. That’s a similar effect to kids hugging teddy bears or other plush toys to sooth their fears sometimes.

Our connection continues after the hugs. I often read with him, and I’ve also made a habit of asking him more in-depth questions related to the stories we read. I’ve found out that just reading to him is not enough, I need to encourage him to discuss the perspective of the characters that we read about. That helps him to see the perspective of others, and definitely helps him with expressing and communicating his thoughts more coherently.

For example, when we read a story about a child being left out of a game, I followed-up with questions such as:
“How would you feel if you were that child?” which is  ‘perspective taking’
“What would you do to ask to be included in the game?” which is  ‘problem solving’
“If you were to design a game, what type of game would you design?” which is ‘creativity’.

With my older child, I read many books and focused on reading to increase his vocabulary. Yes, I was a first time mom, a Tiger mom.  However, I’ve learnt that using reading time to connect, communicate, understand each other; and have your child express his feelings and opinions is a lot more important than just building vocabulary. I know now that how I’ve used reading time and bedtime routines differently with my two sons, might have effected their development. They are both great boys, just different.

*Seow Lim is the creator and CEO of Povi. She is also the starter and admin of Emotional Intelligence for Kids Facebook Group.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

5 Reasons to Teach Kids to Say Thanks

By D.M.F, 8 years old.

By Anna M.


A few weeks ago I volunteered to be a chaperone in my oldest son's 5th grade science camp. During the day I would help the naturalist teach while making sure the group was safe and following instructions. At night I shared a cabin with 5 kids, doing my best to make sure they followed their shower schedule, brush their teeth and sleep enough. During the meals I was there too, again reassuring that they would wait for their time to eat, behave and clean their tables. Yes, I was exhausted and drained, and after 3 days I felt absolutely invisible. Last Friday I received many thank you notes from the kids I was caring for, which made me feel extremely grateful and rewarded. And that made me remember how powerful a "Thank You" can be.

So why is it so important to teach children to say thanks and, most importantly to be thankful?

1. Olya G., Professor in Community Psychology says: "It is important to me that my kids are not only polite, but that they also understand the importance of valuing people and things in their lives. I want them to be grateful for what they have and not take for granted the many privileges that they have".

2. "Saying thank you reinforces to children that no one owes them anything _ no one has to hold open the door for them, or pick up after them, or give them something just because they asked for it. These are all things that others do in large part out of their own sense of generosity, and children (and many adults!) should learn to appreciate that. Relatedly, this shows children that they are not better than  anyone or deserve something more than anyone else. They should be grateful for whatever they receive, no matter how small.", says Daphna Ram, POVI's Developmental Psychologist.

3. Malika R, Social and Communication specialist says: " I want my kids to be polite, humble and appreciative - that they need others in their lives to for some things (not just material) and they need to acknowledge that."

4. POVI"s CEO and Creator, Seow Lim explains: "I feel that it is important for our kids to be thankful of each level of needs that they are in, so that they can strive to be better. If they don't appreciate what they have, they take things for granted, they assume what they have is what they deserve, they won't strive to be better, and their level could deteriorate without them even realizing it.".

5. For me, being able to be thankful is just a way to be on the making of for a happier adulthood. It is a sound recognition that someone cares about you, so you also care in return. It entails sympathy, empathy and kindness. And that's why I always want to reinforce the absolute value of thanking people from opening doors to doing something awesome for you.  That's at least a way of promoting good communication of sentiments, and being able to share them can be the beginning of a fruitful conversation. 

* Anna M is POVI's Content Manager. She loves saying thanks and also receiving thank you notes. She wishes all who are celebrating today, a happy thanks giving. And thank you for being a reader!

Parenting in Adverse Times, from NY 09/11 to Paris 11/13

The symbol, by Jean Julien, became an icon of the conflict. How do we explain for the kids?

By Anna M.

"Mom are they going to try to do the same here?" _ asked my 10 years old son. My answer was that because the country has so many people taking care of our safety, there's no immediate evidence of risk. I measured every millimeter of my words, so not to engulf him in too many details, but yet to offer him some sense of control, but not deceptive answers. His response was positive; "Yes, I remember all the airport safety procedures when we travel abroad", he said.

It breaks my heart to write this post. Yes, it would be better if it never ever happened, so that we wouldn't have to share the news with the little ones. But the truth is... that a fact is fact and ...is a fact. We are far from the Dark Ages, so, I thought, there's no judgement or misdoing involved on sharing the news with them. But that was my gut feeling at the very moment I received a news alert in my laptop warning about the attack in Paris.

When the towers of World Trade Center towers were destroyed, I didn't have children. I watched the news paralyzed, in despair, in a newsroom where I used to work. Minutes later my thoughts were blinded and frozen by interrogations and the difficulty of absorbing the size of the tragedy. My thoughts, a day later, were about how kids would grow up under that shadow. And how we would reinvent the concept of safety. It took me so many years to get to accept the dimension of that. Even being raised in one of the most violent countries in the world  didn't make me feel at ease about any act of terrorism that kill civilians with no right to defend themselves.

Both of our sons, 8 and 10, are highly interested in the news. As a journalist, I couldn't refrain from reading all the papers online, from Le Monde to the NYT, including all news agencies I used to consult while being a foreign correspondent. The boys were curious, and while I was checking if our Paris friends were safe, they  also were relieved when I said they were fine. My husband, also an experienced citizen of the world, also defended that they should have access to what was happening. And, weirdly enough, we both caught ourselves sharing our impressions of what we knew about the Paris attack, telling them mainly about the facts, and not the graphic details about the carnage.

That said,  I enlisted a few ideas on how to deal with adversity with my kids, and being sensitive enough not to cross any lines that would steal childhood from the boys and also open a new possibility of family dialogues that could add depth to conversations. Because,  _ as I wrote before, _ facts are facts _, I could not ignore that there's a sense of responsibility in on our side to inform them.

They will find about it anyway _ That was the main reason I immediately told them about what was going on. I want to raise kids who are able to belong to the world we currently are living in. I would be totally worried if they had to ask someone else at school and who maybe have had different ideas or prejudice embedded in their ideas. carrying some prejudice embedded in it. So I am glad I did. I asked  Daphna Ram, PhD Psychology at from Cornell, and POVI"s psychologist, what were her thoughts about it: "And I think sometimes parents have this idea that they're protecting their kids by not sharing things with them, but how can your kids trust you if you're not going to be real about what's going on?", she says.

Bring your Warmest Feelings  _ Children are persons on in the making, and I think in difficult and harsh situations, reassurance is a very good thing to bring up. A child who is loved, has a strong foundation of a well build self-esteem and resilient resilience has more of a chance son of becoming a fair and balanced grown up. So by any means, make them believe that you are doing your best to protect them: "I can't think of a necessarily appropriate age to talk to kids about these things, but I do think that whenever these things are discussed, warmth + reassurance + care + calming are necessary. If the parent isn't freaking out, the child won't freak out.", adds Daphna Ram.

Bad Guys do Exist _ This is a hard one. It's is ultimately indisputable that that was the work of not very kind people, who believed that, unfortunately, that was the right thing to do in their own terms and beliefs. And that's nothing I can arguedispute with. Both my husband and I intuitively avoided to labellabeling the sources of violence, and went through a brief explanation of the history from the WWI to WWII. We also wanted to answer their questions about some conflicts.

That's Why we don't Play with Guns _ I took the opportunity to explain to the boys why we don't have toy guns in the house, and would never consider having a fire arm. For me, fire arms (one they are here to stay up to the end of civilization as we know it) should be restricted to the Army and Police. I didn't have to go further. They all had visited the eerie Winchester Mystery House, built by the heiress of the rifle company, and know that in Brazil, where most of our family is, the guys who use guns are drug dealers and the police.

Tell them You Love Them _  That one is between me and you. I don't want to say that openly so they won't fear that I am saying this just because the end of the world is near. What I am talking about is that children who feel loved and appreciated will talk. They will know they have someone to talk to about their fears. Sometimes, that love doesn't have to be explicitly stated  but will be shaped in the form of a dialogue, a conversation, time for attention.  That's when we will probably be the best parents ever, even in the times of adversity.


*Anna Muggiati is POVI's Content Manager, and helps to keep the Emotional Intelligence for Kids Facebook Page. She lives in the Silicon Valley with her husband, 2 sons and 5 cats. She is a journalist and Master in International Studies by The University of Birmingham (UK). She is passionate about the environment, cooking healthy food, and music.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at help@povi.me to catch up anytime!

My Teen Son's 'Ideal' Girlfriend

I enjoy going on a date with my teenage son. That's often the time when he is not distracted by his gadgets at home, nor by his chatty little brother. That's the time when he and I could sit across the table from each other, that we could have each other's attention, and talk as equals.

Last Friday was his school teacher's learning day, so he was off. I let him wake up 'naturally'. Well, I thought, kids need their sleep replenishment. He got off bed at 11 AM, and right after that, we started off to our favorite hotpot restaurant, and we have to be there at 11:30 am when they open, or else we have to wait. 

In our date on the previous Friday, he told me about his school essay on Sexism Against Boys. This subject seems to be his favorite research topic for the last two weeks. So this time, as soon as he sat down, he started telling me more about why men need to be laborers of the world taking on hard and dangerous jobs that make them suffer from 93% fatalities versus women spend 70% more than men in household spending. As a feminist, I gave him the example that women are usually given the responsibility to take care of the family, so they make purchases on behalf of the family, not just for themselves. I gave him examples that I do the household groceries most of the time, I book all the flights and hotels for our vacations, I buy him his books, his shirts, his phones etc; of course on the 'record' I make more spending! But I don't usually spend on myself, I spend on all of the family. So he needs to look deeper beyond the plain statistics.

With that said, I told him that's the reason why women-driven 'Family technology' forms the next segment of high tech that will take off! Women are the most appropriate people to define and design these solutions for the families because they are the ones who will spend money buying them! Yeah for Famtech.io.

He then asked me, "So why are guys always expected to pay while they go on dates?"

Interesting question. So I asked him back, "What would you do if you were to go on dates?"

He said, "I expect that we both will split the bill. That's how I can filter out the type of girls I will continue to date or not. I want a girl who can be my equal, not a girl who thinks that I am a walking wallet."

Oh my goodness. I was thinking to myself. "Walking wallet!" That's a very serious term to use. Very insulting to a 'feminist' like myself. I must educate my son to be respectful...but what's the right way to do that?

"Where did you learn the term walking wallet?". He answered: "I read in some article when I was doing research about this topic." 

"You understand that there is a big difference between splitting up family responsibility between a man and a woman right? The society started with men being the bread earner and women taking care of the kids and household, except that in recent years, more women are educated, so they also go out and work. Different families and people make different decisions about how they split the responsibility for what's best for their family. Families who decide that men go out to work and women stay home just mean that they think at a certain time, with their situation that's the best arrangement", I said.

I then asked him, "Well, assuming if there is this girl, you marry, and then you have kids. Who do you expect to take major responsibility of taking care of the kids?"

He gave me an unexpected answer, "We will share responsibility." How? "You are going to need to go to work. When you are both not there, who takes care of the kid?" He said "We work at different times. One person works in the morning, one person work in the afternoon."

Hmmm, I thought... "Flexible schedule. That's sounds good. But easier said than done. Your employers will most likely want to see you follow the regular 9-5 work schedule, and worse still 9am - 8pm work schedule, how do you cope? Somebody will have to make the sacrifice, and usually from social norm, women are often the ones to make the sacrifice to quit their job and take care of the kid."

He gave me a very different response: "If I ever get married and have kids, that's probably the time when I am quite established in my career and a very important contributor. My employer will need to accommodate my flexible schedule request for me to want to contribute to them."

"But your employer will think that you are home taking care of your kids rather than working.", I pondered.

"No, I just need to show them the result of my work.", he said.

"I like your self-confidence. It sounds like a good plan, but you got to work hard to achieve that."

What he said has really got me thinking. Is this an employment policy issue that there isn't a more flexible work arrangement, or most employees just haven't asked for it, or just more self-limiting expecting that employers just aren't that accommodating. Should employers spell it out? Or employers as part of wellness program, to offer more confidence to employees whose identity are parents?

I love to speak with more employer HR people to explore the possibilities. After all, that's could the the family/work life balance of our next generation.

But at this time, I became a lot more curious about what his 'ideal' girlfriend is like or rather whether he has thought about that at all since he is talking about dates.

"So what's the type of girl that you are looking for?"

"I want a girl who can be my equal, who does not expect me to do this or that for her. We share responsibility in everything we do. And someone who understands me, shares my interests so that we can talk about the topics in common. She does not need to be very pretty, I prefer her to be kind and understanding.", he answered.

"So you like a girl who is more independent?" 

"Why do you use the term independent? Boys who can do things you think that it is just their natural responsibility and girls who can do things you use the term more independent? No, it is just natural, normal."

"Okay. I like it that you have thought about this by yourself and have your own opinions of the type of girl you are looking for. And it sounds like pretty good qualities. I like it that you are discussing it with me. Have you been noticing such girls yet?"

He got a bit shy. "I just have been thinking of that while doing research for my essay. I don't think it is easy for me to find the girl whom I will like because most girls are not brought up to think that they should not rely on guys."

That I disagree. "I disagree. I think most girls these days are brought up to believe that they are equal. I truly see it." We then went back to the whole circle of discussion about why school P.E has different scale for boys and girls - that he believes that already bring girls up to think that they are naturally weaker, and boys to think that they are stronger. On that, I think he has a good point.

My boy is really growing up. He is even thinking about the type of girlfriend he might be looking for. He has his own mind, his own opinion, his own preference. I respect it. I am glad that I can be his guide, someone he is willing to share and discuss his opinion with. That's most important to me, not to control what he thinks, he needs to be able to think as an independent human being. I just want to have the opportunity to discuss his thoughts and feelings and guide him if he is not going in the right direction. I feel that I have it.  

By the way, yes, I did ask for my teen son's permission if I could publish our conversation. 

*This blog is the 4th story in the sequel of From Tiger Mom to Emotional Intelligence Advocate.
Read more here:
1. From Tiger Mom to Emotional Intelligence Advocate,
2. From Tiger Mom to Emotional Intelligence Advocate (II): 5 Learnings on How to Let a Child Fly
3. A Date with My Teen Son. 

* Seow Lim is POVI's creator and founder. 

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!