Bumby Box will Deliver Povi to Pre-Schooler in the Fall

From left to right: Jessica, Olivia, Lim, Povi and Gena. What an exciting partnership!

By Anna M.

We just launched our Kickstarter campaign and are delighted to have a wonderful partner to distribute Povi: Bumby Box. It's a super cool selection of toys, chosen by specialists, to bring educational play based activities every month by subscription. Povi will be included in the Bumby box for the pre-school age toy box, beginning in the fall.

Many synergies made this partnership happen. One of the intentions of Bumby's team, as Povi's mission, is to create a vibrant interaction in between parents and kids that may contribute for the emotional development. As Lim, creator of Povi says, "Is such a great honor to be picked by Bumby box, as they have so much expertise about toys".  Povi team is also very happy to partner with a company with strong values, such as being environment-friendly and connected to the improvement of society, through reinforcing the community.

Bumby box was founded last year in Oakland, California, by Gena Lindsay-Bourne and Jessica Boehme with the intention to make parents' life easier, bringing a solution for that time when it's quite challenging to pick the right toys and activities for the kids, transforming playtime in a fun and enriching experience. Povi fell into their very unique category of different and intriguing toy tuned with the emotional intelligence learning. As Gena says, "we are always open to new ways to approach story-telling, and Povi fulfills the role like puppets would, with a plus of engagement and interaction".

Bumpy box is very clear about its requirements: "Play based learning and cognitive development research always guide our choices when choosing activities and toys". "Povi brings parent and kids together and that is a great chance for them to work on building relationships -starting at home", says Jessica. "Research has shown that communication is fundamental to build strong foundations in children's development and supports self regulation", adds Gena.

As Gena explains, play based activities have been shown by researchers as a fundamental tool to strengthen critical thinking. She explains that open-ended stories, like the ones that Povi tells, are a good factor to help family bonds stronger so that they leave room for imagination and lots of conversations, so that parents can be aligned with what is really happening with their social emotional experiences.

Jessica notes that having the chance to discuss stories, may also help parents and kids to get access to something they wouldn't do normally, embracing social emotional learning in a fun way: "They can learn how to negotiate and be flexible.  Like empathy, the ability to compromise and find balance is something that we can share with early literacy. Kids can identify with Povi's storytelling and every day examples.  It's a great idea".

Gena adds that "hearing is learning", and that's yet another interesting feature that Povi brings with its age appropriate story packages. The many stories that Povi plays can be a bridge to learning opportunities.  For Jessica, Povi can be enjoyed by grown-ups and kids together, it's an cuddly plush toy with a concept; "I just think Povi is adorable with its big eyes! I can see it being part of a family tea party. But the most important fact is that Povi brings the possibility of parents and kids interacting and building memories together".

Support Povi! More about Povi's campaign here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/povibuddy/povi-the-connected-storytelling-buddy

The awesome Bumby Box can be seen here: https://www.bumbybox.com

Valentines or Not? That's the Question

By Anna M.

Tomorrow, by this time, both of my boys will probably come home with a package full of Valentine's cards and candies. It's a curious and fragile moment. They might be surprised about some demonstration of affection as they will also probably be resentful if there's a card missing, from someone they really care for. I suffer with them. It hurts not to be appreciated or to have to show that you like someone you barely know. And that, for me, poses the whole dilemma of Valentines cards and all the emotions involved in the activity, specially for kids.

The drama, though, is triggered days before the event. They share some excitement and some frustration about the whole process of writing cards or compliment hearts. Mostly because as the school instructs, if they decide to send cards, it has to be to all their classmates.  Because of that my 5th grader 11-years old decided not to deliver any. His idea is simple: "Nobody really minds mom, because we can't possibly give candy to everybody and it really doesn't mean anything", he says. I have my doubts that he is totally aloof. But then, it's on my call to respect his point.

As they learn in 2nd and 3rd grade, the date is an opportunity to share friendship and acknowledge the bright side of each of their colleagues. It's when they normally would call for my help: "Mom, how can I say something nice to someone I don't like"?, asks the 9 years old. I am always puzzled. But as a sensible and responsible parent I choose to support the school's strategy: "There has to be something that you like in that person. Just relax and think about that". So, few day ago, I saw him writing compliment hearts with very creative stuff. Something like "Dear friend, I really like your handwriting", or "You play soccer so well".

For me it's always a learning curve. Sharing the way you feel about someone (not spontaneously) is something I culturally don't understand. On the other hand, looking at the bright side of any personality certainly is a positive teaching. I feel like when practicing that emotion sharing, you open new perceptions on how to accept people's diverse personality and observe them closely. I like the fact that my younger kid had a chance of thinking about each of his classmates, in a moment of reflection.

But my 11 years old is not a believer: "I think that, for a kid in elementary school, Valentine's Day is just a commercial stunt to sell candy and other useless junk. If you really like someone, buy something that is meaningful to them and hand-deliver it to them.".  That said (he personally wrote this), I am grateful that this are his ideas. I hope that his best friends share the same vision.


*Anna is Povi's Content Manager, a chef and a journalist.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!









         

Would You Rather Be a Monkey or a Human?

Art by Lim's son

By Seow Lim*

Ever since I started my transformation from a Tiger mom who only asked about, "How's your school?"  or "Did you eat your dinner?" to a much more interactive Povi Mom who always look for opportunity to connect emotionally with my kids, I have a lot more fun challenges in my life having to answer 'unexpected' questions from them.

One day, my 7-year old came back from school and finished his dinner. He was sitting there by himself, looking at his hands and feet. I knew that he was thinking about something. I let him have some quiet time by himself. I sat down beside him. I asked him: "I notice that you have been studying your hands and feet very carefully, are you wondering about something?"

At first he was a bit apprehensive to share his thoughts with me. I then asked:
_ "What do think if instead of hands and feet, you have four legs?" - I remembered that as one of the questions from our Povi Family Connect app.
His eyes lit up, and he immediately responded:
_ "Yeah, I was wondering what would happen to the world if our hands and legs look the same and everyone has 4 hands or 4 legs?"
_ "That's really interesting. What made you think about that?" I asked.
_"We are learning about animal adaptation at school, I am wondering why didn't human evolve like the animals with 4 legs. Then we don't have to use a pen to write.", he said.
_"What would you use to write then? Hmm...we learn how to write with our feet." I said.

He thought for a while, then he said:
_"Then pen might look different. It shouldn't look like how it is now." I then asked him if he could draw for me how he think a pen would look like if people were to use our feet to write. He took this opportunity to complain to me that his hands hurt a lot from learning how to write cursive in school, and how his fingers were bending. I showed my empathy to him about his effort that he was putting in and we talked about various different ways to make his hand feel better like stretching it once in a while or perhaps I could treat it with an ice pack every day when he gets home.

I continued the discussion about the difference between human and animals in brain sizes, and our feelings. He was telling me that he knows that ants talk to each other but we were wondering whether ants could tell each other if they were happy or sad. He told me that insects have such small brains they probably don't have deep feelings but he thinks that bigger mammals like monkey, dogs and cats much have.

A question came to my mine: "Would you rather be a monkey or a human?"

He thought for a while and finally replied:
_"There are pros and cons of both. If you were a monkey, you get to play all day, hang from tree to tree, don't have to go to school but you got to search for your own food in the jungle. Unlike human like us, we have to go to school, we can't play all day, we can't hang from tree to tree, but we don't have to search for our own food. I think Curious George (ed. note,  cartoon that he loves watching) has the best life. He has a city house and a country house. He has the Man in the Yellow Hat get him food all day. He does not need to go to school. He gets to play with everyone. He gets to be naughty and never gets punished. I like to be like George."

I was thinking to myself the whole time how should I respond to this conversation. Should I tell him that he can't think about play the whole time? Should I tell him how lucky he is to have Daddy and Mommy bring food to his table?

Remember what I learnt about Growth Mindset to praise on the effort, I decided to say: "I am glad that you are thinking deeper about such things. It is not always easy to see things from different angles which you did. There are always pros and cons in our lives, the most important is for us to be happy with what we have and to be able to work hard for what's important for us to be better."

During real time conversation with my sons, I can't be sure that I always can give the right responses. Seriously, it would be too stressful to always strive to give the best 'lecture' so that they 'learn the most'. I feel that the most important is to pay attention to them, encourage them for their thoughts and efforts and always give them support and lots and lots of love and hugs.

Do you have your conversation starter stories to share with us? Join Povi partner.

*Lim is CEO of Povi. Please like us on Povi Facebook.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

Povi has its own Instagram! Please help us to pick your favorite buddy.

Would you like to follow Povi's adventures? It's easy: Follow him on Instagram. As part of our campaign to launch our new interactive smart story-telling toy, Povi will be traveling to far away lands and to everyday places. We also would be delighted if you can share with us which of the Povi models you prefer. For that you can also visit our POVI page at Facebook or our Instagram page below. We have three options for how Povi will look. You can help us decide by picking the one you (or your child) prefers here.

How would the world be without books? Povi loves to read out loud.

A photo posted by Povi Buddy (@povi_me) on Jan 13, 2016 at 5:47pm PST

5 Thoughtful Blog Messages to keep for the New Year!

By Anna M.*

So here we are almost in the end of the year. I would like to celebrate 2015 with you sharing a selection of thoughts, quotes and posts that made part of our blog's half year of life. Better Family Conversations had a great start in June and we are hoping that many of our contributions will help to build more relationships in 2016 ! Happy new year!

Transformation
Lim's inaugural writing about how she conceived POVI is one of our top posts. My favorite quote is about how she candidly shares how she had to leave her Asian Mom person behind and build everything from scratch again: "However, when my son was in his 6th grade, my perfect life fell apart. I was called in to meet with his school counselor. She looked into my eyes and said: "Your child is very smart but he is not happy". How painful could that be? I couldn't stop asking myself why I failed. I worked so hard to be the best mom ever. What mistakes had I made in the process?". This, for me is the fracture, the moment when she decides that a new mom is on the rise.

Self- Esteem:
"Supporting children’s self-esteem and self-concept also promotes the development of specific emotions that are critical in helping the child have positive interactions with others.", wrote Daphna Ram, Ph.D Psychology Cornell, who utilizes her Developmental Psychology expertise on Povi Family Connectapp. On her post she shares good strategies and understanding to help parents to raise caring, confident and secure children. Very good reading!

Resilience
"To encourage a growth mindset, or to raise children who will get up every time they are knocked down, we need to praise the process, not the outcome. By praising the effort needed, or steps taken, to achieve the outcome, we can help our children understand that it is the effort that results in success." wrote Trish Schaefer, a very special collaborator to our blog. On her article, How to Raise a Resilient Child, she brings knowledge with great enthusiasm, on a very helpful tone. I always go back to it when I come across challenging issues with my sons.

Interaction
"It's when motherhood kidnaps the best from me and transforms me into a monster mom and even a yelling woman on the verge of a neurotic breakdown. I am sure I am not alone. When I talk to other moms at school they all agree it's a tough time to be a parent.". The post 5 Tips to Be a Better Parent before 8 AM helped me to identify the source of my struggle, and also how to develop ways to solve it. But the reason I chose it is deeper: my 8 year-old son illustrated it, and for that he had to read the article. Since that day he understood how their behavior affected me, and both boys are behaving so much better. One more sign that communication and emotional skills are important and can be shared.

Connection
Yes, I believe that any kind of tool _ including interactive, screen and even other types of digital entertainment can help parents to understand their children and build up a dialogue including the electronics. For that reason I recommend the following posts: Tired of Asking your Kids How was School? , The Big Connection and, of course, the non-brainer hug, on this candid post about how important it is to hug, for both parents and kids.

Thanks for reading our blog, and we all hope that 2016 brings lots of love and good feelings to our big family of parents and educators.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

How Hugging My Kid Helps me to Be Healthier and Happier

Clay art by Lim's Son

By Seow Lim*


Every evening, when I pick up my kid from his after school, he runs towards me, and gives me a big tight hug. “Mommy, I missed you so much.”, he says. It feels so good. It fees like the entire day of tiredness drains away from me, and I have this little guy who is so attached to me. Scientifically, I have learnt that hugging helps release oxytocin (also known as the cuddle hormone), the chemical that’s linked to social bonding, promoting devotion, trust and bonding.

Our hug usually re-energizes me. Instead of drifting back to my problems at work and the tasks I need to complete, I make sure that I focus my thoughts on my boy, making sure that we use our 15-20 minutes ride home as high quality time together. It is usually not easy to tear your mind away from all those complex problems or addictive emails that need to be answered right away, but holding my son’s hands help me focus on him and my conversation with him.

After the big hug, I hold his hand while we walk back to the car. I ask him about his school and his friends. He loves to share his day with me. I also try to find an opportunity to ask him a different question each day, about his thoughts and feelings.  Questions like:
_  “Is there someone in your class whom you see trying hard to do something that seems hard for him/her?”
_ “If you could invent something today, what would you make?”
_ “Have you been left out in any games at school?”

Being 7, he sometimes returns my question: “I don’t know. What do you think?”. That gives me the opportunity to share with him my daily experience and feelings too, letting him see that sometimes things are hard for me as well, and how I also need to try hard to learn or ask for help to solve my problems.

He is a very sweet and empathetic boy. There was once a time when I told him about a difficulty I had met with and that I didn’t know how to solve. He actually said: “Mommy, it’s ok. I am sure you will find a solution. Just keep trying.” After we got out of the car, he gave me another big hug. I had tears in my eyes. My stress level had gone down at that point.

Was it the effect of the hug that activated the Pacinian pressure receptors on my skin, and that sent signals to my vagus nerve, the area of my brain that’s responsible for lowering my blood pressure? Or was it the empathy I had received from this young child of mine? We deliver positive and encouraging messages to our kids, and how nice it is for them to have learnt that and deliver them back to us when we need them the most?

Every night, at bed time routine, my boy holds his hands up and says, “Mommy, you haven’t hugged me yet!” We then hug each other tightly for 30 seconds and he always says, “Mommy, I love you so much.” And I say, “I love you too.” I can always see the big grin he has on his face when he hears me say that, and that’s true happiness!

Once I asked him why he wanted me to hug him every night.“I don’t know, but I think I feel safer if you do.”, he replied. According to research results, children who are frequently hugged grow up to display fewer stress symptoms as adults. That’s a similar effect to kids hugging teddy bears or other plush toys to sooth their fears sometimes.

Our connection continues after the hugs. I often read with him, and I’ve also made a habit of asking him more in-depth questions related to the stories we read. I’ve found out that just reading to him is not enough, I need to encourage him to discuss the perspective of the characters that we read about. That helps him to see the perspective of others, and definitely helps him with expressing and communicating his thoughts more coherently.

For example, when we read a story about a child being left out of a game, I followed-up with questions such as:
“How would you feel if you were that child?” which is  ‘perspective taking’
“What would you do to ask to be included in the game?” which is  ‘problem solving’
“If you were to design a game, what type of game would you design?” which is ‘creativity’.

With my older child, I read many books and focused on reading to increase his vocabulary. Yes, I was a first time mom, a Tiger mom.  However, I’ve learnt that using reading time to connect, communicate, understand each other; and have your child express his feelings and opinions is a lot more important than just building vocabulary. I know now that how I’ve used reading time and bedtime routines differently with my two sons, might have effected their development. They are both great boys, just different.

*Seow Lim is the creator and CEO of Povi. She is also the starter and admin of Emotional Intelligence for Kids Facebook Group.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

5 Reasons to Teach Kids to Say Thanks

By D.M.F, 8 years old.

By Anna M.


A few weeks ago I volunteered to be a chaperone in my oldest son's 5th grade science camp. During the day I would help the naturalist teach while making sure the group was safe and following instructions. At night I shared a cabin with 5 kids, doing my best to make sure they followed their shower schedule, brush their teeth and sleep enough. During the meals I was there too, again reassuring that they would wait for their time to eat, behave and clean their tables. Yes, I was exhausted and drained, and after 3 days I felt absolutely invisible. Last Friday I received many thank you notes from the kids I was caring for, which made me feel extremely grateful and rewarded. And that made me remember how powerful a "Thank You" can be.

So why is it so important to teach children to say thanks and, most importantly to be thankful?

1. Olya G., Professor in Community Psychology says: "It is important to me that my kids are not only polite, but that they also understand the importance of valuing people and things in their lives. I want them to be grateful for what they have and not take for granted the many privileges that they have".

2. "Saying thank you reinforces to children that no one owes them anything _ no one has to hold open the door for them, or pick up after them, or give them something just because they asked for it. These are all things that others do in large part out of their own sense of generosity, and children (and many adults!) should learn to appreciate that. Relatedly, this shows children that they are not better than  anyone or deserve something more than anyone else. They should be grateful for whatever they receive, no matter how small.", says Daphna Ram, POVI's Developmental Psychologist.

3. Malika R, Social and Communication specialist says: " I want my kids to be polite, humble and appreciative - that they need others in their lives to for some things (not just material) and they need to acknowledge that."

4. POVI"s CEO and Creator, Seow Lim explains: "I feel that it is important for our kids to be thankful of each level of needs that they are in, so that they can strive to be better. If they don't appreciate what they have, they take things for granted, they assume what they have is what they deserve, they won't strive to be better, and their level could deteriorate without them even realizing it.".

5. For me, being able to be thankful is just a way to be on the making of for a happier adulthood. It is a sound recognition that someone cares about you, so you also care in return. It entails sympathy, empathy and kindness. And that's why I always want to reinforce the absolute value of thanking people from opening doors to doing something awesome for you.  That's at least a way of promoting good communication of sentiments, and being able to share them can be the beginning of a fruitful conversation. 

* Anna M is POVI's Content Manager. She loves saying thanks and also receiving thank you notes. She wishes all who are celebrating today, a happy thanks giving. And thank you for being a reader!

Parenting in Adverse Times, from NY 09/11 to Paris 11/13

The symbol, by Jean Julien, became an icon of the conflict. How do we explain for the kids?

By Anna M.

"Mom are they going to try to do the same here?" _ asked my 10 years old son. My answer was that because the country has so many people taking care of our safety, there's no immediate evidence of risk. I measured every millimeter of my words, so not to engulf him in too many details, but yet to offer him some sense of control, but not deceptive answers. His response was positive; "Yes, I remember all the airport safety procedures when we travel abroad", he said.

It breaks my heart to write this post. Yes, it would be better if it never ever happened, so that we wouldn't have to share the news with the little ones. But the truth is... that a fact is fact and ...is a fact. We are far from the Dark Ages, so, I thought, there's no judgement or misdoing involved on sharing the news with them. But that was my gut feeling at the very moment I received a news alert in my laptop warning about the attack in Paris.

When the towers of World Trade Center towers were destroyed, I didn't have children. I watched the news paralyzed, in despair, in a newsroom where I used to work. Minutes later my thoughts were blinded and frozen by interrogations and the difficulty of absorbing the size of the tragedy. My thoughts, a day later, were about how kids would grow up under that shadow. And how we would reinvent the concept of safety. It took me so many years to get to accept the dimension of that. Even being raised in one of the most violent countries in the world  didn't make me feel at ease about any act of terrorism that kill civilians with no right to defend themselves.

Both of our sons, 8 and 10, are highly interested in the news. As a journalist, I couldn't refrain from reading all the papers online, from Le Monde to the NYT, including all news agencies I used to consult while being a foreign correspondent. The boys were curious, and while I was checking if our Paris friends were safe, they  also were relieved when I said they were fine. My husband, also an experienced citizen of the world, also defended that they should have access to what was happening. And, weirdly enough, we both caught ourselves sharing our impressions of what we knew about the Paris attack, telling them mainly about the facts, and not the graphic details about the carnage.

That said,  I enlisted a few ideas on how to deal with adversity with my kids, and being sensitive enough not to cross any lines that would steal childhood from the boys and also open a new possibility of family dialogues that could add depth to conversations. Because,  _ as I wrote before, _ facts are facts _, I could not ignore that there's a sense of responsibility in on our side to inform them.

They will find about it anyway _ That was the main reason I immediately told them about what was going on. I want to raise kids who are able to belong to the world we currently are living in. I would be totally worried if they had to ask someone else at school and who maybe have had different ideas or prejudice embedded in their ideas. carrying some prejudice embedded in it. So I am glad I did. I asked  Daphna Ram, PhD Psychology at from Cornell, and POVI"s psychologist, what were her thoughts about it: "And I think sometimes parents have this idea that they're protecting their kids by not sharing things with them, but how can your kids trust you if you're not going to be real about what's going on?", she says.

Bring your Warmest Feelings  _ Children are persons on in the making, and I think in difficult and harsh situations, reassurance is a very good thing to bring up. A child who is loved, has a strong foundation of a well build self-esteem and resilient resilience has more of a chance son of becoming a fair and balanced grown up. So by any means, make them believe that you are doing your best to protect them: "I can't think of a necessarily appropriate age to talk to kids about these things, but I do think that whenever these things are discussed, warmth + reassurance + care + calming are necessary. If the parent isn't freaking out, the child won't freak out.", adds Daphna Ram.

Bad Guys do Exist _ This is a hard one. It's is ultimately indisputable that that was the work of not very kind people, who believed that, unfortunately, that was the right thing to do in their own terms and beliefs. And that's nothing I can arguedispute with. Both my husband and I intuitively avoided to labellabeling the sources of violence, and went through a brief explanation of the history from the WWI to WWII. We also wanted to answer their questions about some conflicts.

That's Why we don't Play with Guns _ I took the opportunity to explain to the boys why we don't have toy guns in the house, and would never consider having a fire arm. For me, fire arms (one they are here to stay up to the end of civilization as we know it) should be restricted to the Army and Police. I didn't have to go further. They all had visited the eerie Winchester Mystery House, built by the heiress of the rifle company, and know that in Brazil, where most of our family is, the guys who use guns are drug dealers and the police.

Tell them You Love Them _  That one is between me and you. I don't want to say that openly so they won't fear that I am saying this just because the end of the world is near. What I am talking about is that children who feel loved and appreciated will talk. They will know they have someone to talk to about their fears. Sometimes, that love doesn't have to be explicitly stated  but will be shaped in the form of a dialogue, a conversation, time for attention.  That's when we will probably be the best parents ever, even in the times of adversity.


*Anna Muggiati is POVI's Content Manager, and helps to keep the Emotional Intelligence for Kids Facebook Page. She lives in the Silicon Valley with her husband, 2 sons and 5 cats. She is a journalist and Master in International Studies by The University of Birmingham (UK). She is passionate about the environment, cooking healthy food, and music.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at help@povi.me to catch up anytime!

8 Ways to Succeed on Positive Conversations With Children

By Seow Lim*

Conversation is a personal connection. It is how we share ideas and learn from one another. It requires listening and talking in equal degree. We would benefit from having an open mind when we interact and talk to children, and also be prepared to show empathy. Kids want to be heard. To listen to them - really listen- and be able to understand their needs and concerns.

Here at POVI, we want to constantly encourage our kids in our daily conversation. That's how we help them to develop their self-esteem. Development of self-esteem needs to start very early in life. We also want to teach them that success comes from effort and persistence. We want to give our kids the opportunity to try, fail, try again, fail again, and then finally succeed. They can also develop ideas about their own capabilities. While they are learning fro trial and error, they're creating a self-concept based on interactions with other people, including us. Hence, making sure that we are giving our kids the opportunities to develop such self-perception regularly is also key to their development.

The way that I would like to approach this topic of how to use positive conversations to encourage our kids is through examples. All questions are elaborated by our Developmental Psychology PhD Daphna Ram, and are part of POVI Family Connect app.

The Orange Case (Scenario 1):

"What fruit do you think is really weird?" ( Question for Development skill: critical thinking. Age: <5 or 5-10)

"Oranges"

Parent Response A:

"What? Oranges are so common. They are not weird at all. Find something more special."

This answer discourages children from thinking critically. It also is likely to end the conversation rather than promote more conversation and exchange of ideas between parent and child.

Parents Response B:

"Your idea is interesting. Why do you think it is weird?"

Kid might say:

"Because the skin has tiny holes in it. Sometimes it is rough, and sometimes it is smooth."

The discussion can go on:  "I agree; why didn't I think of that? I thought 'durian' is really weird. Do you know what it is? Do you want to know?"

This example illustrates how one can use the questions as a springboard for further conversation and promoting curiosity. This encourages your child to constantly be seeking new knowledge and asking questions.

Flying to the Sun Case (Scenario #2)

"Where would you want to go if we go could go anywhere at all today?" (Development skill: Imagination/Creativity. Age: <5 or 5-10)

"I want to take a rocket and fly to the Sun", says child.

Parents Response A: 

"That's not possible. You are going to melt before you arrive to the Sun. Answer my question properly. Pick some place on earth", says parent.

Though the response is accurate, this answer discourages child’s creativity and may prevent him/her from sharing creative answers with you in the future.

Parents Response B:

"Wow! That's very far that you are planning to go. Further than I had imagined. Why do you want to fly to the Sun?" _ Parent replies to child's answer.

"Because I want to build a big solar panel in space close to the Sun so that we can generate all the electricity we need on earth with it."

Perhaps parents might say something like:

"That's really creative. You have made me think of things in a completely new way. But isn't the Sun really hot? How are you going to prevent the rocket and the solar panel from melting?"

This is another example illustrating how to use these questions as a springboard for further conversation. This shows the child that you are interested in his ideas. Furthermore, continuing the conversation may also promote other skills in your child; in this example, asking the child how he will prevent the solar panel from melting promotes critical thinking.  

The Bee Scenario (Case #3)

What is something nice you did today? (Development skill: Altruism. Age: all ages)

Kid says:

"I helped my friend chase bees away by throwing soccer ball at them."

Parents Response A:

"Why did you do that? Don't you know that bees sting? That's dangerous. Don't ever do that again."

The child in this example seems excited about how he helped his friend. This particular parent response overlooks the child’s positive intention.

Parents Response B:

"You are a good friend.  I am proud of you. I have heard that bees sting though. How did you prevent the bees from chasing you back? They are good for the environment though..."

"We threw the ball and we ran really fast in the other direction.", says child.

"But what about other kids in the playground. They might not know that bees might come chasing?"

"You are right. I didn't think of that. I should have told everyone to run as fast as they can."

"Yeah, maybe that’s something to think about next time. But it’s good you helped your friend. You know, even though bees sting they actually do a lot!"

This response can also further promote conversation and educate your child about different aspects of the world.

Lonely Recess Time Case (Scenario #4) 

"Where do you usually play at recess?" ( Recommended for Development skill: Social Convention. Age: all)

"I don't play with anyone. I do all my homework at recess.", kid answers.

Parents Response A: 

"Why are you such a loner? You need to go make some new friends."

Parents could use this opportunity to find out if there's a reason that he is not playing with anyone at recess and is doing his homework instead.

Parents Response B:

"I always enjoy your company. I am sure your friends do too. Why are you not playing with them anymore?"

"Friend Z has ganged up with other kids to bully me. They tease me all the time. I rather be by myself than to be teased." answers child.

"I am so glad that you have told me. I wished you had told me about this earlier. I will do my best to keep you safe, anytime anywhere. Would you want to tell me more about the situation in school?", replies parent.

Hopefully, with responses like these, the child will eventually feel that he can trust the parents and will begin to understand that he/she truly want to help him solve his issues. 

Freed the Sadness (Scenario # 5) 

"Do you think this is an appropriate amount of time for someone to be sad when something bad happens to them?"(Development skill: Emotion recognition. Age: Teen)

"Yes, when my best friend got into an accident, I just kept crying and crying. I didn't know if she was going to recover. I was sad the whole time until she got out of the hospital and got back to school.", kid answers.

Parents Response A:  "She is well now. Back to school. No need to be sad anymore."

This response would cut off the conversation about your child’s feelings.

Parents Response B: 

" I know. You were really sad at that time. I had to comfort you a lot but I didn't have a chance to really talk about how you truly felt at that time since you didn't even want to talk."

"I felt like my world was going to end. This person who truly understands me was going to disappear from my life and I was going to be left all alone. I was so scared.", says kid.

"Yes, that's truly scary. I am always here, always by your side at times like this.  I felt your sadness. I am happy to talk with you.
 I am glad that you have handled it really well", parent replies.

Parents are connecting with their child emotionally by listening to her discuss her emotions. Hopefully she will begin coming to you in the future when she is having emotional issues.


Baby Talk Case (Scenario #6)

"What do you think young kids/ babies talk about? (For developmental area: Perspective taking. Age: 5-10, teen)

"Babies say I am hungry, I want milk. Young kids talk about their toys and games. They don't have to go to school, how lucky.", he/she says.

Parent Response A: 

"You are lucky that you get to go to school. Look at those kids who don't have the opportunity to learn."

It is good to make kids be thankful of how lucky they are and not always take things for granted, but this response takes away from the point of the question; to have your child take someone else’s perspective.

Parent Response B: 

"Yes, babies and younger kids spend more time sleeping and playing because that's their phase of growing up. I see you working and learning every day."

This response encourages perspective taking and how they may be different from others. 


The Self-Care Case (Scenario #7)

"Why is it important to take care of yourself so that you can be good to others? (Developmental area: Self esteem. Age: 5-10, teen)

Kid response: "I want to take good care of myself so that I don't get sick. Then you don't have to get tired taking care of me."

Parent Response A: 

"That's great to hear. You don't want to get sick so that you won't miss any important classes or tests."

This too dismisses the main point of the question; having your child think about themselves in relation to others. This also may make your child think that you think classes more important than health. 

Response B:

"I love you, I want to take care of you when you are sick. I am so glad that you care so much about me. Like I always tell you, my world is so beautiful because of you."

I rather take this opportunity to thank my kid for wanting to take care of me. Encouraging his values of taking care of his family. Letting him know that how much I love him and will always be there for him. He can feel my love, and I boost his self esteem that he can also take care of me in return.

Teacher's Talk (Case #8)

"Of your teachers who do you think cares the most about the students? Why?" (Development skill: Perception of others. Age: Teen)

"I think Teacher X really care most about the students. She invites us to her classroom during lunch time. We are free to share our problems with her. She often wants to help us in anyway she can. I do go and talk to her once in a while and talk to her."

Parent's Reaction A:

"If you have problem, you should tell me your mom. Not your teacher. She is not your family. I am."

This may be somewhat discouraging to your child as teens sometimes simply have issues that they don't feel comfortable discussing with their parents. In that regard, it’s probably good that the teen is talking to the teacher. 

Parent's Reaction B:

 "That's really nice of her. I am so glad that you are sharing your thoughts with her, and she has been helpful. I am always here to lend you my hands or ears if you like to discuss with me. I trust that you are asking for the right help at the right time."

This response is more encouraging. For their emotional well-being, we should support our kids to seek help from the people they trust, yet also allowing them to feel that we are these to listen and share their worries.

Having conversations with kids can be really fun. Especially in the process we get to discover their curiosity, creativity, fear, opinion, their pride, our kids are like 'diamonds in the sand', we got to discover them. Or 'onions' that we need to peel. Lots of fun in such discovery.

*Lim is Povi CEO whom through hard way has realized the importance of positive conversation w kids : her story can be read on this post here.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

How to Help a Child to Eat Healthy for Life ? Maybe it's All about Emotions

Fruit Bowl Do Not Touch, by D.M, 2012

By Anna M. *

Would you love to have a child who grows old eating healthy foods and who will never think about the words diet or obesity? I do. So it's maybe time to start building a solid base of new culture of "comfort" foods in my home. Yes. Maybe it's time for my family to say goodbye to the bag of chips, ice cream and sweet cookies as comfort-fun foods, and say hello to healthier options. That mini revolution might well start in our own home, kitchen, table and meal planning. At least is what I am trying to do here, and I hope it's not too late.

My 8 years old son is the one who triggered the debate. Since we came back from our summer vacation, he started asking to snack on chocolate bars, cream filled cookies and ice cream. On the back of his mind, I think he was really thinking about extending the feel-good-factor foods of our vacation to his back-to-normal afternoon. I started asking him why he wouldn't graze on grapes, plums, oranges or other amazing seasonal fruits. His answer was that they wouldn't make him happy. So I started asking him to start snacking on fruit so that he could have a treat after. Maybe next time when visiting Italy I will swap the traditional gelato to a fruit bowl.

The idea behind emotional eating and obesity is not new. Some studies, like this one observed that there's a strong link in between emotional eaters and obesity relating their feelings to overeating. The problem is that they are not overeating salads, beans or fruits. They are always choosing certain groups of food that might be considered as comfort.  The Journal of Clinical Nutrition also states in a study that rewarding kids with sweets and fatty foods is also a relevant point to the discussion of children's emotional eating and obesity.

 The problem can be even related to another end of the relationship of parents and kids, as pointed by this study by University of Illinois in 2014. Kelly Bost, a  professor of human development and family studies explains that parents' frustration might lead to overeating: "That pattern of punishing or dismissing a child’s sad or angry emotions was significantly related not only to comfort feeding but also to fewer family mealtimes and more TV viewing, which led to children’s unhealthy eating, including self-reported sugary drinks, fast foods, and salty snacks", Bost said.

As the notion of comfort food is also a concept being discussed by scientists and nutritionists for some time, and very current now: "It makes intuitive sense that positive experiences with a given food could influence our craving for it later on, but recent research also suggests something else is at play, too: comfort foods remind us of our social ties, which means they may help us feel less lonesome when we feel isolated", wrote Alexandra Sifferin at TIME on the article The Science of Why you Crave Comfort Food. The main problem is that tradition, as a family value, is also on the discussion table. If I think about what brings me comfort when anxious or sad, I will immediately run to crunchy salty snacks, or a tub of vanilla ice cream. Those remind me of home, sweet home. So home in my mind is where yummy foods are. And no matter their calories, I will go "home" overtime I need comfort.

Yes. So from now I promised myself that carrot pieces will be the new chips. That (non-GMO) air popped corn will be the new chips. Maybe, (organic) baked apples with cinnamon will be the next apple pie, and quinoa and brown rice pasta the new Sunday evening lasagna. Jamie Oliver, one of my favorite chefs, is already helping families on revisiting their family’s meal and reaching a balanced meal planning that may even include comfort: "Comfort food doesn’t just mean convenient, highly-processed foods or high-fat, sugary foods and recipes. There’s a pleasure to be taken in cooking some recipes, and in eating things we know are good for us. Fruit and vegetables may seem a chore, but eating them in season and appreciating the color and flavor can really change the eating experience. For example, a tomato salad made with seasonal ripe tomatoes offers so much flavor and aroma and can make the ultimate comfort food!", writes Laura Matthews, head of nutrition at Jamie's Oliver website.

But most important of all, I will engage in deeper conversations with my children about how they feel about food, and specially will try to understand underlying issues that much be triggering emotional eating in my younger kid. Povi Family Connect app (available in both Android and iOS) is one of the tools I am using for that and I believe that it is helping me to locate where my son is filling up an emotional gap with food. We will still cook together as we've been doing for years, and hopefully, when we are including even healthier options of fun food we, as a family, will be healthier and happier.

*Povi is having a short kid essay contest from Sept 23 - Oct 23, 2015. Please find the details here. http://povime.blogspot.com/2015/09/5-best-of-povi-contest-share-kids.html

*Anna M, journalist and chef, is content editor of Povi, and blogs about cooking with kids at Cook Play Explore since 2009.

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at anna@povi.me to catch up anytime!

           

             

            

Helping Children to Become Caring, Confident and Secure

Art by F.M.F, 10 years old

By Daphna Ram, Ph.D.* (with Sarah Whipple, Ph.D.)

Part of healthy development involves a strong emotional foundation. Two critical components of social and emotional development are self-concept and self-esteem. Self-concept refers to what an individual believes about him or herself. Self-esteem refers to how positively an individual views and feels about him or herself. Both concepts refer to understanding yourself and knowing who you are.

Children’s perception of others also plays a role in his or her self-esteem and self-concept. Children engage in social comparison, where they examine their own abilities and accomplishments relative to those of their peers. Knowing your place in the world— seeing yourself as separate from others and unique— is crucial in helping you understand how to relate to others.

Parents may play an important role in helping children develop self-esteem and explore their self-concept. By simply asking their children a question every day, parents may help their children think critically about their strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes. For example, asking a child about his or her strengths (“what is easy for you but hard for others?”) gives the child an opportunity to understand what he/she is good at and feel good about him/herself. This also situates the child in a social context and allows for social comparison; the child is given an opportunity to understand her own strengths relative to others, and also to understand that people have different strengths and attributes.

Similarly, asking specifically about others also allows for social comparison. For example, asking children “Who is happy?", or "Of your teachers who do you think cares the most about students?” enables them to think about characteristics that they value (or don’t) in others and reflect on whether they are similar to others on these charateristics. Again, this helps children understand how they relate to others and helps them highlight their own attributes. It is important to note that as children get older, their self-esteem may decrease as they realize they may not be as good as others at all things. However talking openly with children about their abilities relative to others, and  asking the child about his or her weaknesses (“what do you wish you were better at?”) allows the child to evaluate his or her limitations. This also provides the parent an opportunity to reinforce to the child that not everything comes naturally to everybody, and that sometimes we must work in order to achieve our goals.

The notion of working hard is also especially important with regard to self-esteem, as children who feel that their performance on a given task can be improved through practice have been found to have more positive thoughts about themselves than children who feel that their performance outcomes are fixed.  Furthermore, children who believe in the importance of practice tend to be more resilient, even in the face of failure.  

Supporting children’s self-esteem and self-concept also promotes the development of specific emotions that are critical in helping the child have positive interactions with others. Self-conscious emotions, such as guilt, shame, and pride, arise from understanding that you are different from others, and that others may have different expectations and perspectives. This allows the child to consider other points of view, which helps promote empathy and sensitivity. Research has found that children with more well-developed understanding of emotions and perspectives tend to have better social relationships. Therefore helping children understand who they are helps them understand who others are, and helps them become caring, confident, and secure individuals.

*Daphna Ram, Ph.D Psychology Cornell, utilizes her Developmental Psychology expertise on Povi.

Povi would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!

From a Tiger Mom to a Startup Founder : A Little Story on How Povi was Conceived

By Seow Lim, creator of Povi

This is a story transformation. It's a story about real life and how a crisis changed my life and inspired me on creating something out of it. Because of it, we are developing a solution to help to connect families that we will soon be sharing with lots of parents around the world. 

But before that, here's a bit of my background. I have been a high tech Silicon Valley executive for over 15 years. I am also a mom of two boys. Born in a middle income family in Malaysia, my parents always instilled the importance of academics in me. My life from 10 years old had been school, tutoring classes and extra-curricular activities. Excelling in academics had been the primary goals imposed for over first half of my life. And yes, I met my parent's expectations: I have engineering degrees from Imperial College of London (UK) and Stanford University in California(USA). 

I met my husband in Engineering school in London. He was my assigned lab partner the first day. Frankly, I hated him in the first year. I couldn’t tolerate this guy who is smarter than me academically, finished all his work earlier than me. In the second year, on the day of my birthday, I was miserably ill in bed. He knocked my dorm room door, walked in, sat beside my bed, handed me a red (yes believe me it was red) frog stuffed animal and said: "Happy birthday, hope this frog could one day turn into your prince."…. And that was the beginning of our love story. 

We both were fortunate to be admitted by Stanford and arrived in the US for graduate school together. We met many great people, who are our best friends. We are happily married, have two beautiful boys 13 and 7. I have a very supportive husband who constantly encourage me to pursue successes in my career while juggling to be a ‘tiger’ mom. 

During the first 10 years of my life as a mom, I had attempted to bring up my first child like how my parents had brought me up. I was very focused with making sure he learnt ABC and 123 as early as possible. I filled a whole room stuffed with educational toys, motor skills toys, puzzles etc. My older son lived up to my expectations. He won all Math competitions I entered him into. He designed games himself starting from 2^nd grade. 

However, when my son was in his 6^th grade, my perfect life fell apart. 
I was called in to meet with his school counselor. She looked into my eyes and said: "Your child is very smart but he is not happy". How painful could that be? I couldn't stop asking myself why I failed. I worked so hard to be the best mom ever. What mistakes had I made in the process? 

The day after, I walked into my Senior VP office telling him that I need to leave my job. I just completed 2013 finalizing 5 acquisitions that grew the business from 200 people to 800, growing the business 6 times, I walked out from the promotion that I was waiting for, that I worked so hard for 1 ½ year for. 

But, what’s more important in my life than ensuring that I can help my son to be happy? And if I had not done enough for him, I have to do more. 

I bought all the best selling parenting books such as the The Whole-Brain Child (Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson) and Nurture Shock (Po Bronson). I read about the work that Professor John Heckmann had done with the Heckmann Equation, and Professor Angela Duckworth with Character Lab and the definition of character skills. I began to subscribe to all the well known parenting blogs like Aha Parenting, Huff Parents and ....... I am so grateful to these bloggers for sharing their experience and aggregating everyone else’s experience. I started to join Facebook mom groups to learn from other moms their experiences every day. 

I also went to mom's group meetings that I never had time to go when I was working full time. That’s when I began to realize that there is a lot more I can do as a parent than just focusing purely on academic success. I need to help him find more balance in his life. He needs to learn Emotional Intelligence, executive functions, self regulation and so on– to be able to recognize emotions, share emotions, more interactions. I need to help him manage his time better, balancing between academic, screen time, and interactions time. With all these learnings, and the fact that I am home at 3 PM to be with him every day, spending time having deeper conversations with him beyond how’s school, what’s homework, I am reaching out a lot more to his thoughts and feelings. 

I listen to his likes and dislikes, his dreams; and start thinking about how to optimize for his dreams, versus trying to get him to walk my footsteps.With lots of help from the great teachers my child has in his school, I started adjusting his schedules, encouraging him into track and field; he is starting to realize his other talents beyond Math. He is actually a great sprinter. He is fast! Just within the last 1 ½ year, my son has improved. He is very self-motivated to do well academically, but at the same time, he is much more approachable socially and much more well-balanced. Most importantly, he is a lot happier!! 

Throughout the whole time, I have also been looking for products like toys or software like the ones that I stuffed in my toy room, but focusing on Emotional Intelligence (EQ) development, helping kids learn emotions, learn executive functions, learn self control, develop more well-balanced lifestyle etc, but I couldn’t find any. I found the products in the market to be very focused on academic, motor skills development or pure fun and entertainment. Maybe other parents want and need these products too? I started online surveys of moms on the moms groups that I joined. I was pleasantly surprised that over 700 moms from all over the world had responded to my surveys. 

I asked the questions like "Which developmental areas do you think you want to see better solutions in? Rank them". Over 70% moms chose EQ and social skills, 60% chose good habits, only 7% chose academic, 7% chose motor skills. Yes, parents see the same issues too, and they want better products to help with EQ, social skills and good habits development!

I started a company. I know I wanted to do something that’s good for others. I had named the company AntWish. Ants are social animals and they work together closely to build stronger communities. I wish that whatever I make could help build stronger communities, hence the name. 

We started with a mission: to help parents cultivate wholesome, well-balanced, happy and healthy children. We eventually brand our products Povi.

Povi didn’t start out like how it is today. Like every start up we had idea-ted, iterated multiple times and continued to refine our product market fit based on what parents and children tell us. 

It’s a product that applies technology – so often a cause of disconnection in parents and kids’ lives – to facilitate stronger connection between them. More specifically, it is a plush toy powered by a crowd-sourced EQ content platform: it tells stories, written and curated by parents, teachers and psychologists online. The stories prompt conversations between parents and children that develop children’s social-emotional skills.

One might think that Povi is the latest in a long line of technological tools that take the place of human interaction, in this case for children.  Yet instead of diminishing conversation and connection in a child’s life, it helps them flourish. It applies the Internet of things to become a conduit between a family and an ever-growing network of experts in children’s development. It enhances, but does not take over, conversation between kids and parents. And it gives children invaluable social-emotional tools with which to engage with the world as they grow up.

* To find out more about the Road to Povi, read my next blog. Before you go, LIKE us on Facebook!

I would love to give you a heads-up that we will be running a Kickstarter campaign on Tue, May 24, 2016. We would greatly appreciate your help to be one of our early backers to make Povi a reality.

You can choose to back our project for your family, a school, your team members at work or even non-profits.

We would greatly appreciate you also sharing this important message with whom you know will benefit from joining our community!

Thank you very much! Do email me at seowlim@povi.me to catch up anytime!